ok, i know this may be weird but i really REAAAALLY love to clean my bathroom.
its the only chore i enjoy. i hate doing dishes. i even hate loading and unloading the dishwasher. i need a buddy to sit in my room and motivate me to put things away when i can no longer see the floor. and dont even get me started on dusting, vacuuming, sweeping and laundry-ing.
there is something so satisfying about a clean bathroom. i love getting that ring out of the tub. you know, that ring you didnt even know was there. the satisfaction i get out of a shiny faucet is intense. the spritzing sound of the arm & hammer bathroom cleaner against my shower curtain is more soothing than rain drops. and the fumes! oh god, the heavenly fumes! i even like getting down and dirty cleaning behind the toilet. i dont even mind when my roommate gets toothpaste in the sink because that means i get to clean the bathroom again soon!
this valentines day i want someone to get me some new rubber gloves. just know that for me a bouquet of toilet scrub brushes would top roses any day.
We the haters wanted to offer a little something special for the upcoming (fake) holiday of luuurrrrrrve. So for the six days leading up to and including Valentines day (meaning we’re starting tomorrow, in case the math is over your head), the haters will post on things they enjoy. Or at least shit they cant hate on that hard. It will be a real challenge. We may need new guest contributors. Or we may just not post at all for about a week. Either way, it will be something different.
Happy valentines day, jerks.
p.s. this card is something i totally like. click it to check out Robin Plemmon’s etsy store.
Remember when Angelina Jolie was actually gorgeous, and didn’t look like an alien stuck in a wind tunnel?
My brain hurts. This is why:
Facial expressions are one of the components of which makes a good actor. Just look at Natalie Portman in The Black Swan, Robert DeNiro in anything he’s ever made, and any black and white movie you can find:
Yet, Hollywood has been branded by Botox, which prevents actors from moving their facial muscles.
But actors need to look good and young to get a majority of the roles, since Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton have now cornered the market on old people parts.
What’s an actor to do?
Atleast Nicole Kidman has seen the err in botox:
For an actor, facial expressions and emotions are really important. That`s why I`ll never have Botox. I`ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway.
But wait a minute! Nikki looks like Stifler’s mom’s stand in!
Forget it, there’s no way around this conundrum. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Atleast here’s some good advice from Janice Dickinson:
Every six months I fly to Dallas to get botox and I also get collagen injections.
Atleast everyone will know exactly what NOT to do, unless they want to look like this
People that know me know i’m not a hugger. I dont like to be touched. I especially loathe physical contact with strangers. Shaking hands is already something i do despite the fact that it practically gives me the cold shakes to have to do it. Social convention and all that.
So i may be overreacting, but it sends me into the 6th circle of panicky anxiety-ridden hell when i’m shaking hands with someone and they hold on to it just to force me to stand there while they say things to me that under the very best circumstances would only elicit an uncomfortable smile. Its so inconsiderate. I hardly know you. If i knew you, we wouldn’t be shaking hands in the first place. A handshake is BY DEFINITION something you do with a recent acquaintance or a stranger. So, stranger, what makes you think it’s okay to stand there in the middle of a crowded room and HOLD MY HAND while you compliment me on my pool skills (which are mediocre at very best) and express how you hope you get to play me again? I get it, you’re flirting. But its like trying to flirt with a cornered animal. The panic in my eyes is REAL. You’re talking, and i’m not hearing any of it. I’m just standing there wondering why i’m holding hands with a stranger and when this nightmare is going to end. I’m plotting my escape. I’m wondering how long before i start to gnaw on my own wrist in an attempt to free myself from your lingering handshake of doom. I’m wondering if violence is an appropriate reaction and how hard i will have to hit you with my free hand to get you to let go. I’m wishing i didn’t leave my rape whistle in my purse across the room.
I don’t like sweets. Yes. There. I said it. It’s not that I DESPISE them. Life is not that simple. There are many shades of gray out there. I feel dark gray about sweet things. Yes I will have a cookie here, a slice of pie there, and a bite of ice cream somewhere in between. I ate like, one serving of ice cream last year. Shocking right!? Anyway, it’s usually a nonissue if I choose a Slim Jim (don’t judge me they are delicious) over a Snickers. EXCEPT ON A BIRTHDAY. Why is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE celebratory centerpiece dish thingy that the WHOLE EVENT centers around (gotta blow out those candles!) an effing cake??! You can stick a candle in anything! Like a cheeseburger or pile of nachos (more my speed). They are just as bad for you as cake and ice cream (I almost fell over when I found out how much cholesterol was in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s), and at least to ME more delicious.
So what gets to me is that when you are celebrating a birthday and you decline that slice of cake you look like a jerk. Like, “No thank you, I don’t want a slice. It really looks delicious though! Oh, and by the way I think this is the perfect opportunity to let you know that I’ve always hated you and I hope your birthday wish doesn’t come true. In fact I hope the opposite happens. What a weak party. I’m out.” It’s even worse when it’s YOUR birthday and you are not even eating YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE that everyone worked so hard to get/bake/prepare and it is soooooooooo delicious and WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, you ungrateful……. What a b**** right? So then you make yourself eat a slice because all of the chips are gone and you’re hungry and while it IS a darn good slice of cake it is still not a cheeseburger and then you feel bad for wanting something with cheese on it ON YOUR BIRTHDAY when all of your friends went out of their way to provide CAKE and ICE CREAM (yippie!) because they love you even though you are a horrible human being and they (quite conveniently) happen to LOOOVE cake and ice cream. I’m just sayin.
oh wait, no one cares. i get that everyone thinks they are mega important. i get that everyone thinks other people dont mind that theyre venting. but hey, heres the thing…. youre totally harshing my mellow.
i know that im guilty of it. we all are. you just start talking and suddenly theres an onslaught of negativity. if you really try, you can spend your whole day being a huge cry baby about everything from how shitty your waitress at lunch was to the weather. hell, you could even complain about the injustice of only making it into the chorus in your 5th grade school play. if we take a moment and reflect its pretty easy to see that no one wants their day ruined by your whining.
Where do people get in the habit of saying “question” before asking a question? Where did that come from? I don’t shout out things like “complex sentence” before i start talking. What could possibly be the purpose? I find it totally irritating. Like the fact that you interjected an indication that you are about to ask something implies that i have to stop whatever i’m doing to pay attention and attempt to answer you. Its bad enough in general but even more annoying when you’re in the middle of a conversation. You dont need to announce that you’re about to ask something. You and i are already talking. You can just insert your question into the conversation like someone who has talked to another human being at least once before in their life.