Hater Rant

Tell me how you really feel.

What Time is It?

with 2 comments

What Time Is It? 4:30. It’s not late, naw, naw, it’s just early.

Clocks without numbers are just as stupid as the entire career of The Spin Doctors.

Hey ma'am, what's the time? I dunno, but whatever it was, I probably did it.

Hey dude, do you know what time it is? Nah, but I gotta go cause Storm's picking me up in her jet and we're gonna go kill Magneto

Hey lady, do you have the time? Leave me alone, I'm watching a Brady Bunch marathon on Nick at Nite

Hey elephant man, what time is it? I dunno, but can you kill that fly on my back? I can't reach it.

Written by tracyhater

March 24, 2011 at 12:58 am

Posted in Design

sriracha. i hate it.

with 12 comments

the most overrated condiment of all time has to be sriracha.  i’m pretty sure it didn’t get the nickname “cock sauce” because of the rooster on the bottle, but because it tastes like dick.

as someone that loves spicy foods and a good hot sauce in general i’m fed up with the obsessive overuse of sriracha.  it is not the answer to all your spice needs people!

why is this automatically brought to you at restaurants when you ask for hot sauce? i want some cholula with my breakfast potatoes!  texas petes to kick up my wings!  crystals in my bloody mary!  melinda’s when i want my whole face to be burning in delicious delight! some chili oil to make my fried rice sing?  well yes, i would love some! hell, ill take some tapatio on everything!  there is a whole world of hot sauce out there that people’s taste buds are missing out on because of this infatuation with sriracha. where did this obsession start and how the hell do i get rid of it in order to enjoy my dining experiences?

now i know what your saying.  ”whats the big deal?  its in a separate container.  no one is requiring you to use it!”  the big deal is that its everywhere.  i mean, there are cookbooks and blogs that help people put sriracha in the many foods i would normally love. and honestly, all of these recipes i’ve found look great… if they would just drop the sriracha and use a proper hot sauce.

now this devil sauce is making its way out of the bottle and onto my unwilling plate. wings have been ruined time and time again with attempts to make them fancy with a sriracha sauce. just because you tossed it into your hellman’s doesn’t mean you made a sriracha aioli. if i see one more pizza with sriracha as the main sauce component i’m going to scream!  you can’t even taste all the other delicious ingredients when this spicy, peppery garbage comes into play.  additionally, when did restaurants decide everyone loves sriracha and start adding it to their ketchup?  its not homemade so dont act offended when i ask for some normal ketchup. you didn’t  slave away in a hot kitchen over it.  blending two red sauces together does not a gourmet experience make.  if i wanted sriracha ketchup i could use my culinary prowess to mix two things together too.

i suppose i really hate sriracha mostly because of the LEVEL of infatuation with it.  if there was a yelp thread, cookbook, blogs, cartoon on the oatmeal or art shows devoted to talking about any other hot sauce my hatred would dissipate.  until then, i’ll fight the good fight for all the delicious hot sauces in the world.

Written by big gulp o haterade

March 21, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Posted in Poor Taste

a study in semantics: hipster

with 4 comments

hipster is a term that has been completely bastardized in modern culture. the origins of the word come from the 1940s/1950s for upper middle class white folks following the cutting edge black jazz musicians of the day.  the term gained popularity again in the 2000s to define people who were involved in alternative culture.

the reason i started doing some hipster research is because i looked up the yelp reviews for the bar and restaurant i work at.  the term hipster came up in at least 95% of the reviews and was intended to be a negative reflection of the establishment.  of the 15+ people i work with i would say only two (maybe) have the “hipster” look.  our clientele includes families, tourists, historic reenactors, science and business professionals during the week, and straight bridge and tunnel on weekend evenings. soooo, where exactly is my place of business getting this title from? i got really agitated reading these reviews because hipster has now come to mean something beyond the word’s original meaning. basically the term has come to define everything and everyone that makes people feel less cool than they hoped they were.

lets be honest.  your feelings about your level of coolness is on YOU. no one is that fucking hip to any subculture or scene and if you feel really bad about not being on the up and up thats not my problem.  the only person that is truly a hipster by the 2000s standard is some kid living in rural georgia creating music on a homemade electronic auto-tuning banjo in his grandaddy’s chicken coop with 3 of his closest friends who make t shirts out of egg yolks and poop found in said coop that they sell at a roadside stand. everything has been done to death. i really cant say it better than fred armisen in this clip from portlandia

its really not that hard to look like a hipster.  in fact, anyone can do it.  i actually suggest you do it instead of wasting time on yelp using “hipster” like a dirty word. and it would be a huge favor to all of us that need to look at you. they’re called uggs for a reason.  THEY’RE UGLY!  so below please find some easy tips to start your cool new path to hipsterdom.  even the biggest idiot can follow these easy steps to stop feeling bad about themselves and hating on everything that makes them feel like a huge dork.

  • if you hit up your local thrift store or an urban outfitters sale then you too can look like a hipster. its not that hard to get some skinny jeans and a leather jacket.
  • skip the flannel shirt. they dont look flattering on anyone besides a lumberjack. also, you should know that the tools on jersey shore wear plaid shirts with their bling and air force 1s.
  • pbr isnt cool.  it IS less disgusting than schlitz, bud and coors. and its cheap.  if its hip to drink something inexpensive since you’re broke and would rather your beer taste like water over piss, then yeah, pbr is totally fucking cool.  if you’re broke just find the least expensive, least offensive beer and drink it and stop being concerned about what can it comes in.
  • that really sweet star (yes, im guilty)/sparrow/nostalgic childhood book character/bicycle/mustache on your finger/knuckles/boom box or other sound producing device tattoo is tomorrow’s tribal.  express yourself on a piece of canvas with some oil paints.
  • get some better taste in music.  this is easy, i promise.  if arcade fire is in the same category as katy perry at the grammys then anyone with interwebs and ears can easily access interesting music.

so kids, this was your easy guide to feel like a real life hipster. now you can stop using hipster like a 4 letter word.  or you could just go find a smoky jazz joint and really stick it to your 1950s upper middle class upbringing by being a hepcat.

Written by big gulp o haterade

February 21, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Sing, Dance, and Shut the Hell Up

with one comment

Dear Justin Bieber: Your views on abortion are stupid. But you’re 16 and i get it. You actually are stupid. I dont expect a lot from you. However, i have to say, anyone who can say that rape “happens for a reason” is asking for it, if you know what i mean.

Now that that’s out of the way.

I hate it when entertainers chime in on political topics that they have no business pontificating about. Shit, you’re a singer, you don’t have any business pontificating about anything but singing and dancing. Being famous doesnt mean you’re smart. Being famous doesnt make you an expert on anything besides whatever it is you’re famous for. As a matter of fact, i tend to think that most entertainers have below average intelligence and that mostly comes from the times when they open their mouths and say something stupid about a topic they have no business spewing their stupid opinion about. That and their twitter feeds.

Written by haterrant

February 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Posted in Celebrities, Poor Taste

Lover Rant: Concept Albums

leave a comment »

Are artists so lazy that they can only think up a few lyrics, to repeat over and over? Are musicians so uncreative they repeat riffs over and over?
0

NO! This overdramatic exercise of conceptual design and musician mastery is my love rant for the day: Concept albums (or the greatest things to ever hit our cochleas.)

Like most children of babyboomin’ hippies, I am guilty of listening to Darkside of the Moon over and over again until I was teleported there. I listened to The Wall, and The Who’s Tommy after school on repeat. A few years later, I was enveloped by The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner, which almost had me convinced that I joined the army and got a job a Chick-fil-A.

Concept albums are wonderful.

Would you want to look at a photograph that’s been put in developer solution, but not in fixer? Would you want to see a print of artwork that was ripped out of the printer before it’s done? Songs on concept albums cannot be taken off and put on an mp3 shuffle. They must be listened to in order, from start to finish. They are one of the last remnants of a music industry, when music was actually good. As people listen to shitty mp3 singles on their ipods with their earbuds, few embers of the fire that was music remain lit. Overall, sound quality for the masses has gone downhill since the majority of people don’t care if the song they’re listening has been reduced to 128 kbps. Album art, once long ago a 12″ x 18″ hangable piece (on a vinyl album), recently a 4.75″ x 4.75″ miniature artwork (on a CD cover), is now either a digital JPG on your itunes or ipod or sometimes even an “insert image here.”

After watching the Grammys last night, and seeing the downfall of human civilization right before my eyes, there was one saving grace at the end of the show. Arcade Fire won for best album. And it was a concept album. There is hope out there.

Written by tracyhater

February 14, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Posted in Not Hate

Cover Me

with 2 comments

I like clubs with a cover.

I’ve gone to free parties and chilled out till like 1:15AM before i finally decide theres nothing funner going on and i might as well dance for a while here before i head home. Not so if you charge a cover. The only time i’m not on the dance floor is when im buying a drink, or when the music is just un-danceable. If you spent $10 and didnt manage to have fun, then you just feel stupid.

I dont like paying money to get into parties. I dont like paying money for anything. I feel like, with parties, you kinda get what you pay for, though. Once i’ve thrown down cash at the door, i am invested in the rest of the evening. I am a shareholder of this good time. And i am damn sure going to get my money’s worth.

Written by haterrant

February 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm

don’t poo-poo the things i love

with 3 comments

ok, i know this may be weird but i really REAAAALLY love to clean my bathroom.

its the only chore i enjoy.  i hate doing dishes.  i even hate loading and unloading the dishwasher.  i need a buddy to sit in my room and motivate me to put things away when i can no longer see the floor.  and dont even get me started on dusting, vacuuming, sweeping and laundry-ing.

there is something so satisfying about a clean bathroom.  i love getting that ring out of the tub.  you know, that ring you didnt even know was there.  the satisfaction i get out of a shiny faucet is intense. the spritzing sound of the arm & hammer bathroom cleaner against my  shower curtain is more soothing than rain drops.  and the fumes!  oh god, the heavenly fumes! i even like getting down and dirty cleaning behind the toilet. i dont even mind when my roommate gets toothpaste in the sink because that means i get to clean the bathroom again soon!

this valentines day i want someone to get me some new rubber gloves. just know that for me a bouquet of toilet scrub brushes would top roses any day.

Written by big gulp o haterade

February 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm

%d bloggers like this: