Archive for the ‘Poor Taste’ Category
the most overrated condiment of all time has to be sriracha. i’m pretty sure it didn’t get the nickname “cock sauce” because of the rooster on the bottle, but because it tastes like dick.
as someone that loves spicy foods and a good hot sauce in general i’m fed up with the obsessive overuse of sriracha. it is not the answer to all your spice needs people!
why is this automatically brought to you at restaurants when you ask for hot sauce? i want some cholula with my breakfast potatoes! texas petes to kick up my wings! crystals in my bloody mary! melinda’s when i want my whole face to be burning in delicious delight! some chili oil to make my fried rice sing? well yes, i would love some! hell, ill take some tapatio on everything! there is a whole world of hot sauce out there that people’s taste buds are missing out on because of this infatuation with sriracha. where did this obsession start and how the hell do i get rid of it in order to enjoy my dining experiences?
now i know what your saying. ”whats the big deal? its in a separate container. no one is requiring you to use it!” the big deal is that its everywhere. i mean, there are cookbooks and blogs that help people put sriracha in the many foods i would normally love. and honestly, all of these recipes i’ve found look great… if they would just drop the sriracha and use a proper hot sauce.
now this devil sauce is making its way out of the bottle and onto my unwilling plate. wings have been ruined time and time again with attempts to make them fancy with a sriracha sauce. just because you tossed it into your hellman’s doesn’t mean you made a sriracha aioli. if i see one more pizza with sriracha as the main sauce component i’m going to scream! you can’t even taste all the other delicious ingredients when this spicy, peppery garbage comes into play. additionally, when did restaurants decide everyone loves sriracha and start adding it to their ketchup? its not homemade so dont act offended when i ask for some normal ketchup. you didn’t slave away in a hot kitchen over it. blending two red sauces together does not a gourmet experience make. if i wanted sriracha ketchup i could use my culinary prowess to mix two things together too.
i suppose i really hate sriracha mostly because of the LEVEL of infatuation with it. if there was a yelp thread, cookbook, blogs, cartoon on the oatmeal or art shows devoted to talking about any other hot sauce my hatred would dissipate. until then, i’ll fight the good fight for all the delicious hot sauces in the world.
hipster is a term that has been completely bastardized in modern culture. the origins of the word come from the 1940s/1950s for upper middle class white folks following the cutting edge black jazz musicians of the day. the term gained popularity again in the 2000s to define people who were involved in alternative culture.
the reason i started doing some hipster research is because i looked up the yelp reviews for the bar and restaurant i work at. the term hipster came up in at least 95% of the reviews and was intended to be a negative reflection of the establishment. of the 15+ people i work with i would say only two (maybe) have the “hipster” look. our clientele includes families, tourists, historic reenactors, science and business professionals during the week, and straight bridge and tunnel on weekend evenings. soooo, where exactly is my place of business getting this title from? i got really agitated reading these reviews because hipster has now come to mean something beyond the word’s original meaning. basically the term has come to define everything and everyone that makes people feel less cool than they hoped they were.
lets be honest. your feelings about your level of coolness is on YOU. no one is that fucking hip to any subculture or scene and if you feel really bad about not being on the up and up thats not my problem. the only person that is truly a hipster by the 2000s standard is some kid living in rural georgia creating music on a homemade electronic auto-tuning banjo in his grandaddy’s chicken coop with 3 of his closest friends who make t shirts out of egg yolks and poop found in said coop that they sell at a roadside stand. everything has been done to death. i really cant say it better than fred armisen in this clip from portlandia
its really not that hard to look like a hipster. in fact, anyone can do it. i actually suggest you do it instead of wasting time on yelp using “hipster” like a dirty word. and it would be a huge favor to all of us that need to look at you. they’re called uggs for a reason. THEY’RE UGLY! so below please find some easy tips to start your cool new path to hipsterdom. even the biggest idiot can follow these easy steps to stop feeling bad about themselves and hating on everything that makes them feel like a huge dork.
- if you hit up your local thrift store or an urban outfitters sale then you too can look like a hipster. its not that hard to get some skinny jeans and a leather jacket.
- skip the flannel shirt. they dont look flattering on anyone besides a lumberjack. also, you should know that the tools on jersey shore wear plaid shirts with their bling and air force 1s.
- pbr isnt cool. it IS less disgusting than schlitz, bud and coors. and its cheap. if its hip to drink something inexpensive since you’re broke and would rather your beer taste like water over piss, then yeah, pbr is totally fucking cool. if you’re broke just find the least expensive, least offensive beer and drink it and stop being concerned about what can it comes in.
- that really sweet star (yes, im guilty)/sparrow/nostalgic childhood book character/bicycle/mustache on your finger/knuckles/boom box or other sound producing device tattoo is tomorrow’s tribal. express yourself on a piece of canvas with some oil paints.
- get some better taste in music. this is easy, i promise. if arcade fire is in the same category as katy perry at the grammys then anyone with interwebs and ears can easily access interesting music.
so kids, this was your easy guide to feel like a real life hipster. now you can stop using hipster like a 4 letter word. or you could just go find a smoky jazz joint and really stick it to your 1950s upper middle class upbringing by being a hepcat.
Dear Justin Bieber: Your views on abortion are stupid. But you’re 16 and i get it. You actually are stupid. I dont expect a lot from you. However, i have to say, anyone who can say that rape “happens for a reason” is asking for it, if you know what i mean.
Now that that’s out of the way.
I hate it when entertainers chime in on political topics that they have no business pontificating about. Shit, you’re a singer, you don’t have any business pontificating about anything but singing and dancing. Being famous doesnt mean you’re smart. Being famous doesnt make you an expert on anything besides whatever it is you’re famous for. As a matter of fact, i tend to think that most entertainers have below average intelligence and that mostly comes from the times when they open their mouths and say something stupid about a topic they have no business spewing their stupid opinion about. That and their twitter feeds.
Remember when Angelina Jolie was actually gorgeous, and didn’t look like an alien stuck in a wind tunnel?
My brain hurts. This is why:
Facial expressions are one of the components of which makes a good actor. Just look at Natalie Portman in The Black Swan, Robert DeNiro in anything he’s ever made, and any black and white movie you can find:
Yet, Hollywood has been branded by Botox, which prevents actors from moving their facial muscles.
But actors need to look good and young to get a majority of the roles, since Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton have now cornered the market on old people parts.
What’s an actor to do?
Atleast Nicole Kidman has seen the err in botox:
For an actor, facial expressions and emotions are really important. That`s why I`ll never have Botox. I`ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway.
But wait a minute! Nikki looks like Stifler’s mom’s stand in!
Forget it, there’s no way around this conundrum. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Atleast here’s some good advice from Janice Dickinson:
Every six months I fly to Dallas to get botox and I also get collagen injections.
Atleast everyone will know exactly what NOT to do, unless they want to look like this
Congratulations on your wedding, but maybe you should reconsider having your gift registry at walmart.com.
I’ve never planned my wedding. I’ve never fantasized about a fabulous wedding gown, the location of my dream wedding, or who the groom will be.
However, I’ve been making imaginary registries since I’ve been 12.
I’ve dreamt of copper pots hanging from an antique pot rack, what color kitchen aid mixer i’d get for the kitchen (red or orange?, 5 or 6 qt?), and what type of clear lucite furniture to choose.
So when I see people registering at wal-mart or bed bath and beyond I cringe.
Yes, I’m sure wal-mart has great deals.
Yes, I know there are ubershiny cookware sets available at wal-mart that look like the ones available at bloomingdales.
But you’re an adult now. You scrounged up money to buy a ring. You went through the painstaking chore of labeling people as “friends” vs. “acquaintances” to decide just who gets to receive an invite. You spent hours and thousands deciding on a cake, that everyone will be too drunk to remember.
So the question becomes, if you’re not going to use this ceremony as an opportunity to finally get some taste, when will you?
Not that shopping at wal-mart indicates bad taste, but it represents something worse: no taste. it’s the equivalent to a living room furnished solely by ikea, art from bed bath & beyond, or a closet full of Gap jeans and miscellaneous button down shirts.
Theres this “numbers game” going on on Facebook and it just came to my attention today.
Essentially, you send any of your friends a message with a number. Then they post a status update saying whatever it is they think about you and the number indicates who they are referring to. They are encouraged to be candid by the fact that no one knows who the number refers to except for the author and the initial sender.
What has actually been happening is that my home page is inundated, and i mean downright overwhelmed, with messages from people I know that are most likely intended for people I dont know. Even when one of the messages is interesting or funny or mean, i still dont know who it is for or about. BORING. And all the stuff I actually care about that my friends (real-life friends. get some) are posting keeps getting knocked off my home page.
One of my pet peeves (and this will definitely be a later hater rant) is people having private conversations in public forums for no good reason. Another pet peeve is anonymous venting (not hypocritical here, i mean venting about a specific person). Specifically the facebook variety where a member posts long statuses about “you know who you are”. That sort of behavior will immediately get you removed from my feed. Cus I DONT CARE!
The numbers game combines both these things and rolls them into one really annoying package. I hope it’s over tomorrow.