Archive for the ‘General Fuckery’ Category
hipster is a term that has been completely bastardized in modern culture. the origins of the word come from the 1940s/1950s for upper middle class white folks following the cutting edge black jazz musicians of the day. the term gained popularity again in the 2000s to define people who were involved in alternative culture.
the reason i started doing some hipster research is because i looked up the yelp reviews for the bar and restaurant i work at. the term hipster came up in at least 95% of the reviews and was intended to be a negative reflection of the establishment. of the 15+ people i work with i would say only two (maybe) have the “hipster” look. our clientele includes families, tourists, historic reenactors, science and business professionals during the week, and straight bridge and tunnel on weekend evenings. soooo, where exactly is my place of business getting this title from? i got really agitated reading these reviews because hipster has now come to mean something beyond the word’s original meaning. basically the term has come to define everything and everyone that makes people feel less cool than they hoped they were.
lets be honest. your feelings about your level of coolness is on YOU. no one is that fucking hip to any subculture or scene and if you feel really bad about not being on the up and up thats not my problem. the only person that is truly a hipster by the 2000s standard is some kid living in rural georgia creating music on a homemade electronic auto-tuning banjo in his grandaddy’s chicken coop with 3 of his closest friends who make t shirts out of egg yolks and poop found in said coop that they sell at a roadside stand. everything has been done to death. i really cant say it better than fred armisen in this clip from portlandia
its really not that hard to look like a hipster. in fact, anyone can do it. i actually suggest you do it instead of wasting time on yelp using “hipster” like a dirty word. and it would be a huge favor to all of us that need to look at you. they’re called uggs for a reason. THEY’RE UGLY! so below please find some easy tips to start your cool new path to hipsterdom. even the biggest idiot can follow these easy steps to stop feeling bad about themselves and hating on everything that makes them feel like a huge dork.
- if you hit up your local thrift store or an urban outfitters sale then you too can look like a hipster. its not that hard to get some skinny jeans and a leather jacket.
- skip the flannel shirt. they dont look flattering on anyone besides a lumberjack. also, you should know that the tools on jersey shore wear plaid shirts with their bling and air force 1s.
- pbr isnt cool. it IS less disgusting than schlitz, bud and coors. and its cheap. if its hip to drink something inexpensive since you’re broke and would rather your beer taste like water over piss, then yeah, pbr is totally fucking cool. if you’re broke just find the least expensive, least offensive beer and drink it and stop being concerned about what can it comes in.
- that really sweet star (yes, im guilty)/sparrow/nostalgic childhood book character/bicycle/mustache on your finger/knuckles/boom box or other sound producing device tattoo is tomorrow’s tribal. express yourself on a piece of canvas with some oil paints.
- get some better taste in music. this is easy, i promise. if arcade fire is in the same category as katy perry at the grammys then anyone with interwebs and ears can easily access interesting music.
so kids, this was your easy guide to feel like a real life hipster. now you can stop using hipster like a 4 letter word. or you could just go find a smoky jazz joint and really stick it to your 1950s upper middle class upbringing by being a hepcat.
I like clubs with a cover.
I’ve gone to free parties and chilled out till like 1:15AM before i finally decide theres nothing funner going on and i might as well dance for a while here before i head home. Not so if you charge a cover. The only time i’m not on the dance floor is when im buying a drink, or when the music is just un-danceable. If you spent $10 and didnt manage to have fun, then you just feel stupid.
I dont like paying money to get into parties. I dont like paying money for anything. I feel like, with parties, you kinda get what you pay for, though. Once i’ve thrown down cash at the door, i am invested in the rest of the evening. I am a shareholder of this good time. And i am damn sure going to get my money’s worth.
ok, i know this may be weird but i really REAAAALLY love to clean my bathroom.
its the only chore i enjoy. i hate doing dishes. i even hate loading and unloading the dishwasher. i need a buddy to sit in my room and motivate me to put things away when i can no longer see the floor. and dont even get me started on dusting, vacuuming, sweeping and laundry-ing.
there is something so satisfying about a clean bathroom. i love getting that ring out of the tub. you know, that ring you didnt even know was there. the satisfaction i get out of a shiny faucet is intense. the spritzing sound of the arm & hammer bathroom cleaner against my shower curtain is more soothing than rain drops. and the fumes! oh god, the heavenly fumes! i even like getting down and dirty cleaning behind the toilet. i dont even mind when my roommate gets toothpaste in the sink because that means i get to clean the bathroom again soon!
this valentines day i want someone to get me some new rubber gloves. just know that for me a bouquet of toilet scrub brushes would top roses any day.
We the haters wanted to offer a little something special for the upcoming (fake) holiday of luuurrrrrrve. So for the six days leading up to and including Valentines day (meaning we’re starting tomorrow, in case the math is over your head), the haters will post on things they enjoy. Or at least shit they cant hate on that hard. It will be a real challenge. We may need new guest contributors. Or we may just not post at all for about a week. Either way, it will be something different.
Happy valentines day, jerks.
p.s. this card is something i totally like. click it to check out Robin Plemmon’s etsy store.
I don’t like sweets. Yes. There. I said it. It’s not that I DESPISE them. Life is not that simple. There are many shades of gray out there. I feel dark gray about sweet things. Yes I will have a cookie here, a slice of pie there, and a bite of ice cream somewhere in between. I ate like, one serving of ice cream last year. Shocking right!? Anyway, it’s usually a nonissue if I choose a Slim Jim (don’t judge me they are delicious) over a Snickers. EXCEPT ON A BIRTHDAY. Why is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE celebratory centerpiece dish thingy that the WHOLE EVENT centers around (gotta blow out those candles!) an effing cake??! You can stick a candle in anything! Like a cheeseburger or pile of nachos (more my speed). They are just as bad for you as cake and ice cream (I almost fell over when I found out how much cholesterol was in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s), and at least to ME more delicious.
So what gets to me is that when you are celebrating a birthday and you decline that slice of cake you look like a jerk. Like, “No thank you, I don’t want a slice. It really looks delicious though! Oh, and by the way I think this is the perfect opportunity to let you know that I’ve always hated you and I hope your birthday wish doesn’t come true. In fact I hope the opposite happens. What a weak party. I’m out.” It’s even worse when it’s YOUR birthday and you are not even eating YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE that everyone worked so hard to get/bake/prepare and it is soooooooooo delicious and WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, you ungrateful……. What a b**** right? So then you make yourself eat a slice because all of the chips are gone and you’re hungry and while it IS a darn good slice of cake it is still not a cheeseburger and then you feel bad for wanting something with cheese on it ON YOUR BIRTHDAY when all of your friends went out of their way to provide CAKE and ICE CREAM (yippie!) because they love you even though you are a horrible human being and they (quite conveniently) happen to LOOOVE cake and ice cream. I’m just sayin.
Where do people get in the habit of saying “question” before asking a question? Where did that come from? I don’t shout out things like “complex sentence” before i start talking. What could possibly be the purpose? I find it totally irritating. Like the fact that you interjected an indication that you are about to ask something implies that i have to stop whatever i’m doing to pay attention and attempt to answer you. Its bad enough in general but even more annoying when you’re in the middle of a conversation. You dont need to announce that you’re about to ask something. You and i are already talking. You can just insert your question into the conversation like someone who has talked to another human being at least once before in their life.
I hate people that bring their dogs to bars. Its ridiculous. Like bringing your child. Dogs have no business in bars. They don’t drink and i’m pretty sure the smoke is bad for them. Its one thing if you’re stepping in to buy a sixer or something, but to come into a noisy, smoky, drunk-y room where other people are just trying to smoke and drink in peace with your big lumbering pet is just inappropriate.
But what really pisses me off is the sense of entitlement that dog owners seem to feel on this matter. Like if i have a problem with you having your dog sprawled out like a throw rug somewhere between me and the bar I must be a bad person. Whatever. Not everyone likes dogs. To me its the equivalent of bringing a large, dangerous creature into a public place.
What if i decided to bring my pet fucking tiger around with me everywhere?
What?… My velociraptor’s on a leash. Is it bothering you? Its super nice. You can pet it if you want.
The fact that your pet canine makes me uncomfortable isn’t my fault. If you want to hang out with your dog so bad, do it at home. Shit, if i wanted to hang out with your dog, i’d come over. But i don’t, and i wont so don’t force it on me in a place i specifically come to to feel relaxed and comfortable.