Archive for the ‘Common Courtesy’ Category
i dont get why people think its alright to whistle all the goddamn time. most of these people are poor whistlers and slightly tone deaf. i feel like its the equivalent to singing nonstop. which is annoying. which is why no one but crazy people walk around singing to themselves all day. heres a list of reasons why whistling is the worst:
- birds whistle and wake me up in the morning. excuse me asshole birds, i was sleeping. i set an alarm, but thanks for getting me that 3 hour head start.
- my aforementioned issue with the length of time a person might choose to whistle is always insanely long. no one whistles for 3-5 minutes. its an all day affair.
- i particularly hate when people whistle at night. am i the only person that finds it to be super creepy? i feel like im one step away from entering the “singin’ in the rain” scene in clockwork orange. the last thing i need when im walking home by myself late at night is some psycho who is cheerfully whistling to themselves… creepy weird psycho whistler.
- guys think this an appropriate way to get a woman’s attention. its not. please stop. its rude and doesn’t show me anything about you except that you can’t take the time to say “hello” to address me. i doubt anyone has made a mental list of attributes they want in their future mate with “killer whistling skills” on there, so how does this benefit you in any way? i guess it does help us ladies figure out that you’re a rude piece of shit from jump street. actually, keep doing that. it’s an effective time saver.
- once again, as stated before, very few people are good whistlers. in fact, most people are totally terrible at it, but that doesnt stop them from inundating my ears with their awful, tuneless high pitched awfulness. actually, this can be very easily broken down with the following:
people i want to hear whistle:
- bobby mcferrin (he’s right, i shouldn’t worry AND i should be happy. so much wisdom behind his whistle)
people i dont want to hear whistle:
- everyone else
im sure there are more reasons why i hate whistling, but the construction dude thats replacing my shower right now wont stop whistling and i cant think straight because im so enraged. i have to focus on not punching him in his pursed lips.
People that know me know i’m not a hugger. I dont like to be touched. I especially loathe physical contact with strangers. Shaking hands is already something i do despite the fact that it practically gives me the cold shakes to have to do it. Social convention and all that.
So i may be overreacting, but it sends me into the 6th circle of panicky anxiety-ridden hell when i’m shaking hands with someone and they hold on to it just to force me to stand there while they say things to me that under the very best circumstances would only elicit an uncomfortable smile. Its so inconsiderate. I hardly know you. If i knew you, we wouldn’t be shaking hands in the first place. A handshake is BY DEFINITION something you do with a recent acquaintance or a stranger. So, stranger, what makes you think it’s okay to stand there in the middle of a crowded room and HOLD MY HAND while you compliment me on my pool skills (which are mediocre at very best) and express how you hope you get to play me again? I get it, you’re flirting. But its like trying to flirt with a cornered animal. The panic in my eyes is REAL. You’re talking, and i’m not hearing any of it. I’m just standing there wondering why i’m holding hands with a stranger and when this nightmare is going to end. I’m plotting my escape. I’m wondering how long before i start to gnaw on my own wrist in an attempt to free myself from your lingering handshake of doom. I’m wondering if violence is an appropriate reaction and how hard i will have to hit you with my free hand to get you to let go. I’m wishing i didn’t leave my rape whistle in my purse across the room.
oh wait, no one cares. i get that everyone thinks they are mega important. i get that everyone thinks other people dont mind that theyre venting. but hey, heres the thing…. youre totally harshing my mellow.
i know that im guilty of it. we all are. you just start talking and suddenly theres an onslaught of negativity. if you really try, you can spend your whole day being a huge cry baby about everything from how shitty your waitress at lunch was to the weather. hell, you could even complain about the injustice of only making it into the chorus in your 5th grade school play. if we take a moment and reflect its pretty easy to see that no one wants their day ruined by your whining.
I hate people that bring their dogs to bars. Its ridiculous. Like bringing your child. Dogs have no business in bars. They don’t drink and i’m pretty sure the smoke is bad for them. Its one thing if you’re stepping in to buy a sixer or something, but to come into a noisy, smoky, drunk-y room where other people are just trying to smoke and drink in peace with your big lumbering pet is just inappropriate.
But what really pisses me off is the sense of entitlement that dog owners seem to feel on this matter. Like if i have a problem with you having your dog sprawled out like a throw rug somewhere between me and the bar I must be a bad person. Whatever. Not everyone likes dogs. To me its the equivalent of bringing a large, dangerous creature into a public place.
What if i decided to bring my pet fucking tiger around with me everywhere?
What?… My velociraptor’s on a leash. Is it bothering you? Its super nice. You can pet it if you want.
The fact that your pet canine makes me uncomfortable isn’t my fault. If you want to hang out with your dog so bad, do it at home. Shit, if i wanted to hang out with your dog, i’d come over. But i don’t, and i wont so don’t force it on me in a place i specifically come to to feel relaxed and comfortable.
I hate umbrellas. I hate them passionately. I hate the threatening, pointy spokes that are right at eye-level. I hate that when i walk past someone the runoff from their umbrella is liable to soak my shoulder or my foot. I hate the way that a person with an umbrella takes up twice as much sidewalk real estate as a person without one. I especially hate how people who are carrying umbrellas will have them tilted down in front of their stupid faces and walk around looking at the ground just so they can run into you and poke your eyes out and drip on your coat. Its just rediculous. I hate umbrellas so much that rainy days make me want to walk around with a super-soaker. Then once people are soaked they wont have a reason to carry their stupid umbrellas around. Or drive around in my car and speed through every curb-side puddle.
Its the city, sidewalk space is precious and you aren’t the only one walking down the street getting rained on. Buy a hat.
I hate squatters. No wait. Not dirty, train hopping, Anarchist, dumpster diving, smelly, ex-suburban homeless kids with dreadlocks that have dogs and beg you for your hard earned money on the street (that was a rant in itself), but people that PISS ON THE TOILET SEAT in public restrooms. And by people I mean women. And by women I mean dumb b******. Why? Why do you have to pee all over everything? Why are you hovering and making a mess? Is there blood on the seat? Are you taking a piss in a crime scene? Was someone murdered but you just have to piss all over their chalked-outlined head? What is wrong with you!? The reason most people squat is because there is piss on the toilet seat. How do you think it got there? Because some dumb c*** hovered over a perfectly fine toilet seat in some bar, because she does not want to get herpes or something stupid like that. So before you know it, everyone is peeing everywhere except IN the toilet; on the toilet, around the toilet, on the walls, on their shoes, etc. It is a chain reaction, and it started with you. Now the bathroom is flooded with piss. Thanks. You will not sit on a toilet seat in a public restroom, but you will most likely let someone you met at the bar (that I happen to be at, confronted with all this squatter piss everywhere when I’m trying to piss myself) go home with you and engage in activities that may ACTUALLY give you herpes. And I bet you touched the doorknob on the way out. Look. Now you have AIDS too.