Hater Rant

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Archive for the ‘Celebrities’ Category

The Big Pink Cupcake in the Room

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There’s a big pink elephant cupcake in the room, and it’s not a pink elephant standing in the middle of a room. That would be ridiculous. It’s the repetitive quirkiness that movies are selling, whether it’s via love, career, self-worth, or mind-fucking. It’s cupcakes.

Why does the doughy-eyed emaciated heroine always have a dream of making cupcakes? Why is there always a scene of her in a vintage french-looking ruffled mix-match floral half-apron finding the answers in the dough? Why does a beautiful, delicate cupcake symbolize a turning point for so many leading ladies?

Kristen Wiig turns to cupcakes to find herself in Bridesmaids, and then obviously throws them up off camera. Keri Russell’s pies are the only thing she likes about herself in Waitress. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a free-spirted baker vixen hippie in Stranger than Fiction that only someone as insane as Will Ferrell could be attracted to. Juliet Binoche turns to chocolate in the aptly named Chocolat to seduce pirate Johnny Depp, since her being French wasn’t good enough. They did it with Pies on Pushing Daisies. Even good ole Mildred Pierce started with pies and ended with pies.

And it’s not just cupcakes.

Sarah Michelle woes a boring Aaron Eckhart magically in Simply Irresistible, which used the powers of black magic to get green lit. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a bitchy but hot chef in No Reservations. Remember in Fried Green Tomatoes, when Mary Louise Parker was not on a show that is so poorly written it makes smoking weed look bad? And it doesn’t stop.

Now, don’t misunderstand. I love cupcakes. Owning a bakery would be awesome. I’m just sick of the heroines having the same quirky, arty dream. How about owning their own knitting studio? Or hand-made paper business? Or vintage store? Or locally-made craft shop? There are more jobs out there outside of a bakery where indie brides-in-waiting can look disheveled and cute in at the same time.

How about stamping grapes at a winery? Adorable!

How about owning her own screen-printing business? She’ll look so cute with paint dripping down her face!

How about walking puppies? Oh shit, there are already too many movies about that, which brings me to my next Hater Rant: We all know you added a puppy into your movie as a cheap gimmick, and we’re not buying it.

Written by tracyhater

May 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Posted in Celebrities

Tagged with , ,

Sing, Dance, and Shut the Hell Up

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Dear Justin Bieber: Your views on abortion are stupid. But you’re 16 and i get it. You actually are stupid. I dont expect a lot from you. However, i have to say, anyone who can say that rape “happens for a reason” is asking for it, if you know what i mean.

Now that that’s out of the way.

I hate it when entertainers chime in on political topics that they have no business pontificating about. Shit, you’re a singer, you don’t have any business pontificating about anything but singing and dancing. Being famous doesnt mean you’re smart. Being famous doesnt make you an expert on anything besides whatever it is you’re famous for. As a matter of fact, i tend to think that most entertainers have below average intelligence and that mostly comes from the times when they open their mouths and say something stupid about a topic they have no business spewing their stupid opinion about. That and their twitter feeds.

Written by haterrant

February 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Posted in Celebrities, Poor Taste

When Pretty People Insert Fat and Botulism into their faces

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Remember when Angelina Jolie was actually gorgeous, and didn’t look like an alien stuck in a wind tunnel?

My brain hurts. This is why:
Facial expressions are one of the components of which makes a good actor. Just look at Natalie Portman in The Black Swan, Robert DeNiro in anything he’s ever made, and any black and white movie you can find:

Yet, Hollywood has been branded by Botox, which prevents actors from moving their facial muscles.

But actors need to look good and young to get a majority of the roles, since Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton have now cornered the market on old people parts.

What’s an actor to do?

Atleast Nicole Kidman has seen the err in botox:

For an actor, facial expressions and emotions are really important. That`s why I`ll never have Botox. I`ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway.

But wait a minute! Nikki looks like Stifler’s mom’s stand in!

Forget it, there’s no way around this conundrum. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Atleast here’s some good advice from Janice Dickinson:

Every six months I fly to Dallas to get botox and I also get collagen injections.

Atleast everyone will know exactly what NOT to do, unless they want to look like this

Written by tracyhater

February 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Late Hate: Destiny’s Child

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I could hate your stupid faces for a lot of reasons. But what gets this special mention so many years after the dissolution of your annoying group is this:

How could you make the song “Bills Bills Bills” and follow it so closely with “Independent Woman”?

Stupid AND hypocritical.

-M

Written by haterrant

December 29, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Dr. Nada Surf

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I was listening to the mediocre Pete Yorn play the mediocre free at noon concert on 88.5, when afterwards, a song came on that had the lyrics:

“But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you want to fight”

Which got me thinking. . . why the hell are musicians giving us psychiatric help? The last time I checked, it wasn’t Dr. Nada Surf singing this song. Who are they to tell me what I should be feeling? Are they going to suggest what milligram dosage of Paxil I should be taking too?

I started googling other dogmatic song lyrics, and have found that it is not just forgotten alt bands of the 90s that are spouting out unwarranted advice.

Frou Frou says:

“music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger, break down and cry”

I don’t think it counts if I’m crying because Natalie Portman is so goddamn annoying in Garden State, because that’s the only time i’ve cried listening to Frou Frou.

Hair style genius himself, Ludwig Van Beethoven, said:

“Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.”

Thanks for the philosophical advice about how philosophy is worse than music.

The Beatles had it right when they asked:

All the lonely people, where do they all come from? / All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

They asked a question, and didn’t even answer it. John was probably like “bloody hell, fuck if i know where all the lonely people come from. Cheerio.”

Written by tracyhater

December 23, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Katy Perry

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I was discussing how much I hate Katy Perry with my coworker when I remembered this rant from a few months ago. It really sums up my feelings on the topic.

Written by haterrant

December 17, 2010 at 1:28 pm

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