Hater Rant

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The Big Pink Cupcake in the Room

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There’s a big pink elephant cupcake in the room, and it’s not a pink elephant standing in the middle of a room. That would be ridiculous. It’s the repetitive quirkiness that movies are selling, whether it’s via love, career, self-worth, or mind-fucking. It’s cupcakes.

Why does the doughy-eyed emaciated heroine always have a dream of making cupcakes? Why is there always a scene of her in a vintage french-looking ruffled mix-match floral half-apron finding the answers in the dough? Why does a beautiful, delicate cupcake symbolize a turning point for so many leading ladies?

Kristen Wiig turns to cupcakes to find herself in Bridesmaids, and then obviously throws them up off camera. Keri Russell’s pies are the only thing she likes about herself in Waitress. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a free-spirted baker vixen hippie in Stranger than Fiction that only someone as insane as Will Ferrell could be attracted to. Juliet Binoche turns to chocolate in the aptly named Chocolat to seduce pirate Johnny Depp, since her being French wasn’t good enough. They did it with Pies on Pushing Daisies. Even good ole Mildred Pierce started with pies and ended with pies.

And it’s not just cupcakes.

Sarah Michelle woes a boring Aaron Eckhart magically in Simply Irresistible, which used the powers of black magic to get green lit. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a bitchy but hot chef in No Reservations. Remember in Fried Green Tomatoes, when Mary Louise Parker was not on a show that is so poorly written it makes smoking weed look bad? And it doesn’t stop.

Now, don’t misunderstand. I love cupcakes. Owning a bakery would be awesome. I’m just sick of the heroines having the same quirky, arty dream. How about owning their own knitting studio? Or hand-made paper business? Or vintage store? Or locally-made craft shop? There are more jobs out there outside of a bakery where indie brides-in-waiting can look disheveled and cute in at the same time.

How about stamping grapes at a winery? Adorable!

How about owning her own screen-printing business? She’ll look so cute with paint dripping down her face!

How about walking puppies? Oh shit, there are already too many movies about that, which brings me to my next Hater Rant: We all know you added a puppy into your movie as a cheap gimmick, and we’re not buying it.

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Written by tracyhater

May 31, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Posted in Celebrities

Tagged with , ,

What Time is It?

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What Time Is It? 4:30. It’s not late, naw, naw, it’s just early.

Clocks without numbers are just as stupid as the entire career of The Spin Doctors.

Hey ma'am, what's the time? I dunno, but whatever it was, I probably did it.

Hey dude, do you know what time it is? Nah, but I gotta go cause Storm's picking me up in her jet and we're gonna go kill Magneto

Hey lady, do you have the time? Leave me alone, I'm watching a Brady Bunch marathon on Nick at Nite

Hey elephant man, what time is it? I dunno, but can you kill that fly on my back? I can't reach it.

Written by tracyhater

March 24, 2011 at 12:58 am

Posted in Design

Lover Rant: Concept Albums

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Are artists so lazy that they can only think up a few lyrics, to repeat over and over? Are musicians so uncreative they repeat riffs over and over?
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NO! This overdramatic exercise of conceptual design and musician mastery is my love rant for the day: Concept albums (or the greatest things to ever hit our cochleas.)

Like most children of babyboomin’ hippies, I am guilty of listening to Darkside of the Moon over and over again until I was teleported there. I listened to The Wall, and The Who’s Tommy after school on repeat. A few years later, I was enveloped by The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner, which almost had me convinced that I joined the army and got a job a Chick-fil-A.

Concept albums are wonderful.

Would you want to look at a photograph that’s been put in developer solution, but not in fixer? Would you want to see a print of artwork that was ripped out of the printer before it’s done? Songs on concept albums cannot be taken off and put on an mp3 shuffle. They must be listened to in order, from start to finish. They are one of the last remnants of a music industry, when music was actually good. As people listen to shitty mp3 singles on their ipods with their earbuds, few embers of the fire that was music remain lit. Overall, sound quality for the masses has gone downhill since the majority of people don’t care if the song they’re listening has been reduced to 128 kbps. Album art, once long ago a 12″ x 18″ hangable piece (on a vinyl album), recently a 4.75″ x 4.75″ miniature artwork (on a CD cover), is now either a digital JPG on your itunes or ipod or sometimes even an “insert image here.”

After watching the Grammys last night, and seeing the downfall of human civilization right before my eyes, there was one saving grace at the end of the show. Arcade Fire won for best album. And it was a concept album. There is hope out there.

Written by tracyhater

February 14, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Posted in Not Hate

When Pretty People Insert Fat and Botulism into their faces

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Remember when Angelina Jolie was actually gorgeous, and didn’t look like an alien stuck in a wind tunnel?

My brain hurts. This is why:
Facial expressions are one of the components of which makes a good actor. Just look at Natalie Portman in The Black Swan, Robert DeNiro in anything he’s ever made, and any black and white movie you can find:

Yet, Hollywood has been branded by Botox, which prevents actors from moving their facial muscles.

But actors need to look good and young to get a majority of the roles, since Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton have now cornered the market on old people parts.

What’s an actor to do?

Atleast Nicole Kidman has seen the err in botox:

For an actor, facial expressions and emotions are really important. That`s why I`ll never have Botox. I`ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway.

But wait a minute! Nikki looks like Stifler’s mom’s stand in!

Forget it, there’s no way around this conundrum. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Atleast here’s some good advice from Janice Dickinson:

Every six months I fly to Dallas to get botox and I also get collagen injections.

Atleast everyone will know exactly what NOT to do, unless they want to look like this

Written by tracyhater

February 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

First Friday

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I hate First Friday. It should be called Worst Hangover Saturday due to heavy consumption of cheaper than river water wine. Being in an art gallery makes it seem ok to drink whatever alcohol is given to you, because shit, it must be classy if all them art people are drinking it. it’s not though. you’d be better off robotrippin. I’d say more, but i’m still recovering from Friday. And it’s now sunday.

Written by tracyhater

January 9, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Posted in General Fuckery

I’m Gonna Kick Your [Gl]asses

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Glasses used to mean something.

It used to be weird to wear glasses.

People wore glasses because they needed to see and weren’t so vain that you had to sport contacts. People wore glasses because their eyes were so strained from staring at a computer. People wore nerd glasses or horn rimmed glasses because they were alt, nerdy, dorky, strange, arty.

Now J.Crew models wear nerdy glasses.

So then how are we geek lovers supposed to find our nerdy mates when the tell-tale sign is now as common as messy, just-woke-up hair and fresh from the Salvation Army plaid shirts ? Is the only place where true nerds go Comic-Con?

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Written by tracyhater

December 30, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Posted in Fashion

Tagged with ,

Congratulations on your wedding, but maybe you should reconsider having your gift registry at walmart.com.

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I’ve never planned my wedding. I’ve never fantasized about a fabulous wedding gown, the location of my dream wedding, or who the groom will be.

However, I’ve been making imaginary registries since I’ve been 12.

I’ve dreamt of copper pots hanging from an antique pot rack, what color kitchen aid mixer i’d get for the kitchen (red or orange?, 5 or 6 qt?), and what type of clear lucite furniture to choose.

So when I see people registering at wal-mart or bed bath and beyond I cringe.

Yes, I’m sure wal-mart has great deals.

Yes, I know there are ubershiny cookware sets available at wal-mart that look like the ones available at bloomingdales.

But you’re an adult now. You scrounged up money to buy a ring. You went through the painstaking chore of labeling people as “friends” vs.  “acquaintances” to decide just who gets to receive an invite. You spent hours and thousands deciding on a cake, that everyone will be too drunk to remember.

So the question becomes, if you’re not going to use this ceremony as an opportunity to finally get some taste, when will you?

Not that shopping at wal-mart indicates bad taste, but it represents something worse: no taste. it’s the equivalent to a living room furnished solely by ikea, art from bed bath & beyond, or a closet full of Gap jeans and miscellaneous button down shirts.

Written by tracyhater

December 30, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Posted in Poor Taste

Tagged with ,

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