I don’t like sweets. Yes. There. I said it. It’s not that I DESPISE them. Life is not that simple. There are many shades of gray out there. I feel dark gray about sweet things. Yes I will have a cookie here, a slice of pie there, and a bite of ice cream somewhere in between. I ate like, one serving of ice cream last year. Shocking right!? Anyway, it’s usually a nonissue if I choose a Slim Jim (don’t judge me they are delicious) over a Snickers. EXCEPT ON A BIRTHDAY. Why is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE celebratory centerpiece dish thingy that the WHOLE EVENT centers around (gotta blow out those candles!) an effing cake??! You can stick a candle in anything! Like a cheeseburger or pile of nachos (more my speed). They are just as bad for you as cake and ice cream (I almost fell over when I found out how much cholesterol was in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s), and at least to ME more delicious.
So what gets to me is that when you are celebrating a birthday and you decline that slice of cake you look like a jerk. Like, “No thank you, I don’t want a slice. It really looks delicious though! Oh, and by the way I think this is the perfect opportunity to let you know that I’ve always hated you and I hope your birthday wish doesn’t come true. In fact I hope the opposite happens. What a weak party. I’m out.” It’s even worse when it’s YOUR birthday and you are not even eating YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE that everyone worked so hard to get/bake/prepare and it is soooooooooo delicious and WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, you ungrateful……. What a b**** right? So then you make yourself eat a slice because all of the chips are gone and you’re hungry and while it IS a darn good slice of cake it is still not a cheeseburger and then you feel bad for wanting something with cheese on it ON YOUR BIRTHDAY when all of your friends went out of their way to provide CAKE and ICE CREAM (yippie!) because they love you even though you are a horrible human being and they (quite conveniently) happen to LOOOVE cake and ice cream. I’m just sayin.
I hate squatters. No wait. Not dirty, train hopping, Anarchist, dumpster diving, smelly, ex-suburban homeless kids with dreadlocks that have dogs and beg you for your hard earned money on the street (that was a rant in itself), but people that PISS ON THE TOILET SEAT in public restrooms. And by people I mean women. And by women I mean dumb b******. Why? Why do you have to pee all over everything? Why are you hovering and making a mess? Is there blood on the seat? Are you taking a piss in a crime scene? Was someone murdered but you just have to piss all over their chalked-outlined head? What is wrong with you!? The reason most people squat is because there is piss on the toilet seat. How do you think it got there? Because some dumb c*** hovered over a perfectly fine toilet seat in some bar, because she does not want to get herpes or something stupid like that. So before you know it, everyone is peeing everywhere except IN the toilet; on the toilet, around the toilet, on the walls, on their shoes, etc. It is a chain reaction, and it started with you. Now the bathroom is flooded with piss. Thanks. You will not sit on a toilet seat in a public restroom, but you will most likely let someone you met at the bar (that I happen to be at, confronted with all this squatter piss everywhere when I’m trying to piss myself) go home with you and engage in activities that may ACTUALLY give you herpes. And I bet you touched the doorknob on the way out. Look. Now you have AIDS too.