i dont get why people think its alright to whistle all the goddamn time. most of these people are poor whistlers and slightly tone deaf. i feel like its the equivalent to singing nonstop. which is annoying. which is why no one but crazy people walk around singing to themselves all day. heres a list of reasons why whistling is the worst:
- birds whistle and wake me up in the morning. excuse me asshole birds, i was sleeping. i set an alarm, but thanks for getting me that 3 hour head start.
- my aforementioned issue with the length of time a person might choose to whistle is always insanely long. no one whistles for 3-5 minutes. its an all day affair.
- i particularly hate when people whistle at night. am i the only person that finds it to be super creepy? i feel like im one step away from entering the “singin’ in the rain” scene in clockwork orange. the last thing i need when im walking home by myself late at night is some psycho who is cheerfully whistling to themselves… creepy weird psycho whistler.
- guys think this an appropriate way to get a woman’s attention. its not. please stop. its rude and doesn’t show me anything about you except that you can’t take the time to say “hello” to address me. i doubt anyone has made a mental list of attributes they want in their future mate with “killer whistling skills” on there, so how does this benefit you in any way? i guess it does help us ladies figure out that you’re a rude piece of shit from jump street. actually, keep doing that. it’s an effective time saver.
- once again, as stated before, very few people are good whistlers. in fact, most people are totally terrible at it, but that doesnt stop them from inundating my ears with their awful, tuneless high pitched awfulness. actually, this can be very easily broken down with the following:
people i want to hear whistle:
- bobby mcferrin (he’s right, i shouldn’t worry AND i should be happy. so much wisdom behind his whistle)
people i dont want to hear whistle:
- everyone else
im sure there are more reasons why i hate whistling, but the construction dude thats replacing my shower right now wont stop whistling and i cant think straight because im so enraged. i have to focus on not punching him in his pursed lips.
i noticed that lately there are a lot of guys, namely famous actors, out there really sending my gaydar for a loop. i thought i had a pretty good grasp on where a person ranked on the kinsey scale, but not with the influx of gay face.
gay face can best be described as a collection of features on a gentleman’s face that lead one to believe he likes other gentlemen. these features are generally more feminine than the average male, or perhaps just better groomed. after the decline of metrosexualism i was certain gay face would dissipate and men would make their rugged return to looking like, well, men. but looking at photos of our nation’s heart throbs has me suspecting that america’s teenage and 20-something girls are a bunch of beards in the making.
this isn’t about actors that are rumored to be gay. its about some of these dudes having the most apparent gay face on the planet and no one has bothered to say anything to them. i expect my good friends to tell me when i have something stuck in my teeth, a stray eyelash, or a healthy dose of gay face. “hey buddy, you have a boogie hanging out of your right nostril.” and the problem is solved! all of these things are fixable with some slight tweaking.
maybe a bit less rouge and foundation.
i know you get lots of make up caked on you to be whatever supernatural being has the girls all hot and bothered this week, but its not helping your gay face now.
or perhaps you could stop with the shirley temple poses. you’re a grown ass man. get your thumb out of your mouth and pose for your head shots like an adult.
a bit less gloss on those DSLs may help. i’m pretty sure this doesn’t really require any further explanation.
ultimately, the severe cases of gay face are making it confusing for all the single ladies. im not alone in this. heres a great article from scientific american to illustrate my point: http://tinyurl.com/queerface. so gentlemen, grow a beard and get some callouses while cutting down a tree. work hard and earn some wrinkles. all i want from my leading men is for them to man up.
i love the idea of hosting get togethers. i buy a bit of booze, a few snacks and my friends and i are ready to have a lovely, inexpensive evening in… or so it seems.
every time i manage to forget the amount of stress ive taken on in the past when i have people over. the first thing that normally gets me annoyed is the prep work involved for these little snackems im trying to make. first theres the two trips to the grocery store. i always forget something the first time i go to the store. and its always something crucial, like charcoal in order to cook all of the items you have just purchased. once youre home the prep work begins. everything involves an awful lot of chopping and none of it lasts very long. last time i had a small get together i made a mango avocado salsa and some shrimp and veggie skewers. it only took about 40 minutes between chopping, peeling, skewering, etc, but was all finished in about 5 minutes therefore making me feel like i had done all this work and left my guests unsatisfied regardless of my attempt to make something nice.
i then become more aggravated when its time to start up the grill. im a pretty good cook, but not when im working with an open unruly flame that has a mind of its own. you wanted your burger medium rare? well too bad, the weber decided that you wanted it well done and thats that. if you give up your grilling rights then you run the risk of someone overcooking everything (ie burnt to a charbroiled crisp) as opposed to the one or two things you accidentally fuck up.
now everyone has eaten, they are moderately full of food and much too full of beer. the sun has set, you have been hosting for about 8 hours now and have work the next day. no one appears to be picking up your oh so subtle hints such as yawning, shutting your eyes for long intervals, or announcing “oh man, im so tired. i cant wait to go to bed”. so this is where i go from just annoyed to completely bitchy. i want to sleep and all of these jerkfaces are trying to find one more pbr in the cooler. its empty. because very few of you contributed to the fun fund. and now we’ve come to the reason im most agitated by having people at my home.
i cant actually afford to feed and intoxicate the amount of people that will inevitably show up at my house throughout the course of the day and night. the reason i say the backyard hang out i am hosting is a BYO-everything situation is because i cant afford your ass. so either i feel cheap for not supplying enough shit, stressed out from preparing what i do supply or im the dick that has a backyard in the city and doesnt let anyone hang out in it. luckily for me, this lease is almost up. my worries of feeling like a terrible stressed out host are almost through. so get it in while you still can kids, because backyard access and my annoyance are almost over.
the most overrated condiment of all time has to be sriracha. i’m pretty sure it didn’t get the nickname “cock sauce” because of the rooster on the bottle, but because it tastes like dick.
as someone that loves spicy foods and a good hot sauce in general i’m fed up with the obsessive overuse of sriracha. it is not the answer to all your spice needs people!
why is this automatically brought to you at restaurants when you ask for hot sauce? i want some cholula with my breakfast potatoes! texas petes to kick up my wings! crystals in my bloody mary! melinda’s when i want my whole face to be burning in delicious delight! some chili oil to make my fried rice sing? well yes, i would love some! hell, ill take some tapatio on everything! there is a whole world of hot sauce out there that people’s taste buds are missing out on because of this infatuation with sriracha. where did this obsession start and how the hell do i get rid of it in order to enjoy my dining experiences?
now i know what your saying. ”whats the big deal? its in a separate container. no one is requiring you to use it!” the big deal is that its everywhere. i mean, there are cookbooks and blogs that help people put sriracha in the many foods i would normally love. and honestly, all of these recipes i’ve found look great… if they would just drop the sriracha and use a proper hot sauce.
now this devil sauce is making its way out of the bottle and onto my unwilling plate. wings have been ruined time and time again with attempts to make them fancy with a sriracha sauce. just because you tossed it into your hellman’s doesn’t mean you made a sriracha aioli. if i see one more pizza with sriracha as the main sauce component i’m going to scream! you can’t even taste all the other delicious ingredients when this spicy, peppery garbage comes into play. additionally, when did restaurants decide everyone loves sriracha and start adding it to their ketchup? its not homemade so dont act offended when i ask for some normal ketchup. you didn’t slave away in a hot kitchen over it. blending two red sauces together does not a gourmet experience make. if i wanted sriracha ketchup i could use my culinary prowess to mix two things together too.
i suppose i really hate sriracha mostly because of the LEVEL of infatuation with it. if there was a yelp thread, cookbook, blogs, cartoon on the oatmeal or art shows devoted to talking about any other hot sauce my hatred would dissipate. until then, i’ll fight the good fight for all the delicious hot sauces in the world.
hipster is a term that has been completely bastardized in modern culture. the origins of the word come from the 1940s/1950s for upper middle class white folks following the cutting edge black jazz musicians of the day. the term gained popularity again in the 2000s to define people who were involved in alternative culture.
the reason i started doing some hipster research is because i looked up the yelp reviews for the bar and restaurant i work at. the term hipster came up in at least 95% of the reviews and was intended to be a negative reflection of the establishment. of the 15+ people i work with i would say only two (maybe) have the “hipster” look. our clientele includes families, tourists, historic reenactors, science and business professionals during the week, and straight bridge and tunnel on weekend evenings. soooo, where exactly is my place of business getting this title from? i got really agitated reading these reviews because hipster has now come to mean something beyond the word’s original meaning. basically the term has come to define everything and everyone that makes people feel less cool than they hoped they were.
lets be honest. your feelings about your level of coolness is on YOU. no one is that fucking hip to any subculture or scene and if you feel really bad about not being on the up and up thats not my problem. the only person that is truly a hipster by the 2000s standard is some kid living in rural georgia creating music on a homemade electronic auto-tuning banjo in his grandaddy’s chicken coop with 3 of his closest friends who make t shirts out of egg yolks and poop found in said coop that they sell at a roadside stand. everything has been done to death. i really cant say it better than fred armisen in this clip from portlandia
its really not that hard to look like a hipster. in fact, anyone can do it. i actually suggest you do it instead of wasting time on yelp using “hipster” like a dirty word. and it would be a huge favor to all of us that need to look at you. they’re called uggs for a reason. THEY’RE UGLY! so below please find some easy tips to start your cool new path to hipsterdom. even the biggest idiot can follow these easy steps to stop feeling bad about themselves and hating on everything that makes them feel like a huge dork.
- if you hit up your local thrift store or an urban outfitters sale then you too can look like a hipster. its not that hard to get some skinny jeans and a leather jacket.
- skip the flannel shirt. they dont look flattering on anyone besides a lumberjack. also, you should know that the tools on jersey shore wear plaid shirts with their bling and air force 1s.
- pbr isnt cool. it IS less disgusting than schlitz, bud and coors. and its cheap. if its hip to drink something inexpensive since you’re broke and would rather your beer taste like water over piss, then yeah, pbr is totally fucking cool. if you’re broke just find the least expensive, least offensive beer and drink it and stop being concerned about what can it comes in.
- that really sweet star (yes, im guilty)/sparrow/nostalgic childhood book character/bicycle/mustache on your finger/knuckles/boom box or other sound producing device tattoo is tomorrow’s tribal. express yourself on a piece of canvas with some oil paints.
- get some better taste in music. this is easy, i promise. if arcade fire is in the same category as katy perry at the grammys then anyone with interwebs and ears can easily access interesting music.
so kids, this was your easy guide to feel like a real life hipster. now you can stop using hipster like a 4 letter word. or you could just go find a smoky jazz joint and really stick it to your 1950s upper middle class upbringing by being a hepcat.
ok, i know this may be weird but i really REAAAALLY love to clean my bathroom.
its the only chore i enjoy. i hate doing dishes. i even hate loading and unloading the dishwasher. i need a buddy to sit in my room and motivate me to put things away when i can no longer see the floor. and dont even get me started on dusting, vacuuming, sweeping and laundry-ing.
there is something so satisfying about a clean bathroom. i love getting that ring out of the tub. you know, that ring you didnt even know was there. the satisfaction i get out of a shiny faucet is intense. the spritzing sound of the arm & hammer bathroom cleaner against my shower curtain is more soothing than rain drops. and the fumes! oh god, the heavenly fumes! i even like getting down and dirty cleaning behind the toilet. i dont even mind when my roommate gets toothpaste in the sink because that means i get to clean the bathroom again soon!
this valentines day i want someone to get me some new rubber gloves. just know that for me a bouquet of toilet scrub brushes would top roses any day.
oh wait, no one cares. i get that everyone thinks they are mega important. i get that everyone thinks other people dont mind that theyre venting. but hey, heres the thing…. youre totally harshing my mellow.
i know that im guilty of it. we all are. you just start talking and suddenly theres an onslaught of negativity. if you really try, you can spend your whole day being a huge cry baby about everything from how shitty your waitress at lunch was to the weather. hell, you could even complain about the injustice of only making it into the chorus in your 5th grade school play. if we take a moment and reflect its pretty easy to see that no one wants their day ruined by your whining.