Hater Rant

Tell me how you really feel.

Archive for February 2011

a study in semantics: hipster

with 4 comments

hipster is a term that has been completely bastardized in modern culture. the origins of the word come from the 1940s/1950s for upper middle class white folks following the cutting edge black jazz musicians of the day.  the term gained popularity again in the 2000s to define people who were involved in alternative culture.

the reason i started doing some hipster research is because i looked up the yelp reviews for the bar and restaurant i work at.  the term hipster came up in at least 95% of the reviews and was intended to be a negative reflection of the establishment.  of the 15+ people i work with i would say only two (maybe) have the “hipster” look.  our clientele includes families, tourists, historic reenactors, science and business professionals during the week, and straight bridge and tunnel on weekend evenings. soooo, where exactly is my place of business getting this title from? i got really agitated reading these reviews because hipster has now come to mean something beyond the word’s original meaning. basically the term has come to define everything and everyone that makes people feel less cool than they hoped they were.

lets be honest.  your feelings about your level of coolness is on YOU. no one is that fucking hip to any subculture or scene and if you feel really bad about not being on the up and up thats not my problem.  the only person that is truly a hipster by the 2000s standard is some kid living in rural georgia creating music on a homemade electronic auto-tuning banjo in his grandaddy’s chicken coop with 3 of his closest friends who make t shirts out of egg yolks and poop found in said coop that they sell at a roadside stand. everything has been done to death. i really cant say it better than fred armisen in this clip from portlandia

its really not that hard to look like a hipster.  in fact, anyone can do it.  i actually suggest you do it instead of wasting time on yelp using “hipster” like a dirty word. and it would be a huge favor to all of us that need to look at you. they’re called uggs for a reason.  THEY’RE UGLY!  so below please find some easy tips to start your cool new path to hipsterdom.  even the biggest idiot can follow these easy steps to stop feeling bad about themselves and hating on everything that makes them feel like a huge dork.

  • if you hit up your local thrift store or an urban outfitters sale then you too can look like a hipster. its not that hard to get some skinny jeans and a leather jacket.
  • skip the flannel shirt. they dont look flattering on anyone besides a lumberjack. also, you should know that the tools on jersey shore wear plaid shirts with their bling and air force 1s.
  • pbr isnt cool.  it IS less disgusting than schlitz, bud and coors. and its cheap.  if its hip to drink something inexpensive since you’re broke and would rather your beer taste like water over piss, then yeah, pbr is totally fucking cool.  if you’re broke just find the least expensive, least offensive beer and drink it and stop being concerned about what can it comes in.
  • that really sweet star (yes, im guilty)/sparrow/nostalgic childhood book character/bicycle/mustache on your finger/knuckles/boom box or other sound producing device tattoo is tomorrow’s tribal.  express yourself on a piece of canvas with some oil paints.
  • get some better taste in music.  this is easy, i promise.  if arcade fire is in the same category as katy perry at the grammys then anyone with interwebs and ears can easily access interesting music.

so kids, this was your easy guide to feel like a real life hipster. now you can stop using hipster like a 4 letter word.  or you could just go find a smoky jazz joint and really stick it to your 1950s upper middle class upbringing by being a hepcat.

Written by big gulp o haterade

February 21, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Sing, Dance, and Shut the Hell Up

with one comment

Dear Justin Bieber: Your views on abortion are stupid. But you’re 16 and i get it. You actually are stupid. I dont expect a lot from you. However, i have to say, anyone who can say that rape “happens for a reason” is asking for it, if you know what i mean.

Now that that’s out of the way.

I hate it when entertainers chime in on political topics that they have no business pontificating about. Shit, you’re a singer, you don’t have any business pontificating about anything but singing and dancing. Being famous doesnt mean you’re smart. Being famous doesnt make you an expert on anything besides whatever it is you’re famous for. As a matter of fact, i tend to think that most entertainers have below average intelligence and that mostly comes from the times when they open their mouths and say something stupid about a topic they have no business spewing their stupid opinion about. That and their twitter feeds.

Written by haterrant

February 17, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Posted in Celebrities, Poor Taste

Lover Rant: Concept Albums

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Are artists so lazy that they can only think up a few lyrics, to repeat over and over? Are musicians so uncreative they repeat riffs over and over?
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NO! This overdramatic exercise of conceptual design and musician mastery is my love rant for the day: Concept albums (or the greatest things to ever hit our cochleas.)

Like most children of babyboomin’ hippies, I am guilty of listening to Darkside of the Moon over and over again until I was teleported there. I listened to The Wall, and The Who’s Tommy after school on repeat. A few years later, I was enveloped by The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner, which almost had me convinced that I joined the army and got a job a Chick-fil-A.

Concept albums are wonderful.

Would you want to look at a photograph that’s been put in developer solution, but not in fixer? Would you want to see a print of artwork that was ripped out of the printer before it’s done? Songs on concept albums cannot be taken off and put on an mp3 shuffle. They must be listened to in order, from start to finish. They are one of the last remnants of a music industry, when music was actually good. As people listen to shitty mp3 singles on their ipods with their earbuds, few embers of the fire that was music remain lit. Overall, sound quality for the masses has gone downhill since the majority of people don’t care if the song they’re listening has been reduced to 128 kbps. Album art, once long ago a 12″ x 18″ hangable piece (on a vinyl album), recently a 4.75″ x 4.75″ miniature artwork (on a CD cover), is now either a digital JPG on your itunes or ipod or sometimes even an “insert image here.”

After watching the Grammys last night, and seeing the downfall of human civilization right before my eyes, there was one saving grace at the end of the show. Arcade Fire won for best album. And it was a concept album. There is hope out there.

Written by tracyhater

February 14, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Posted in Not Hate

Cover Me

with 2 comments

I like clubs with a cover.

I’ve gone to free parties and chilled out till like 1:15AM before i finally decide theres nothing funner going on and i might as well dance for a while here before i head home. Not so if you charge a cover. The only time i’m not on the dance floor is when im buying a drink, or when the music is just un-danceable. If you spent $10 and didnt manage to have fun, then you just feel stupid.

I dont like paying money to get into parties. I dont like paying money for anything. I feel like, with parties, you kinda get what you pay for, though. Once i’ve thrown down cash at the door, i am invested in the rest of the evening. I am a shareholder of this good time. And i am damn sure going to get my money’s worth.

Written by haterrant

February 14, 2011 at 2:40 pm

don’t poo-poo the things i love

with 3 comments

ok, i know this may be weird but i really REAAAALLY love to clean my bathroom.

its the only chore i enjoy.  i hate doing dishes.  i even hate loading and unloading the dishwasher.  i need a buddy to sit in my room and motivate me to put things away when i can no longer see the floor.  and dont even get me started on dusting, vacuuming, sweeping and laundry-ing.

there is something so satisfying about a clean bathroom.  i love getting that ring out of the tub.  you know, that ring you didnt even know was there.  the satisfaction i get out of a shiny faucet is intense. the spritzing sound of the arm & hammer bathroom cleaner against my  shower curtain is more soothing than rain drops.  and the fumes!  oh god, the heavenly fumes! i even like getting down and dirty cleaning behind the toilet. i dont even mind when my roommate gets toothpaste in the sink because that means i get to clean the bathroom again soon!

this valentines day i want someone to get me some new rubber gloves. just know that for me a bouquet of toilet scrub brushes would top roses any day.

Written by big gulp o haterade

February 10, 2011 at 3:38 pm

That’s Just Fine

with one comment

We the haters wanted to offer a little something special for the upcoming (fake) holiday of luuurrrrrrve. So for the six days leading up to and including Valentines day (meaning we’re starting tomorrow, in case the math is over your head), the haters will post on things they enjoy. Or at least shit they cant hate on that hard. It will be a real challenge. We may need new guest contributors. Or we may just not post at all for about a week. Either way, it will be something different.

Happy valentines day, jerks.

 

 

 

 

 

p.s. this card is something i totally like. click it to check out Robin Plemmon’s etsy store.

Written by haterrant

February 8, 2011 at 2:29 pm

When Pretty People Insert Fat and Botulism into their faces

with 4 comments

Remember when Angelina Jolie was actually gorgeous, and didn’t look like an alien stuck in a wind tunnel?

My brain hurts. This is why:
Facial expressions are one of the components of which makes a good actor. Just look at Natalie Portman in The Black Swan, Robert DeNiro in anything he’s ever made, and any black and white movie you can find:

Yet, Hollywood has been branded by Botox, which prevents actors from moving their facial muscles.

But actors need to look good and young to get a majority of the roles, since Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton have now cornered the market on old people parts.

What’s an actor to do?

Atleast Nicole Kidman has seen the err in botox:

For an actor, facial expressions and emotions are really important. That`s why I`ll never have Botox. I`ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway.

But wait a minute! Nikki looks like Stifler’s mom’s stand in!

Forget it, there’s no way around this conundrum. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Atleast here’s some good advice from Janice Dickinson:

Every six months I fly to Dallas to get botox and I also get collagen injections.

Atleast everyone will know exactly what NOT to do, unless they want to look like this

Written by tracyhater

February 8, 2011 at 12:01 pm

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