Hater Rant

Tell me how you really feel.

Who wants Cake!?

with 7 comments

I don’t like sweets. Yes. There. I said it. It’s not that I DESPISE them. Life is not that simple. There are many shades of gray out there. I feel dark gray about sweet things. Yes I will have a cookie here, a slice of pie there, and a bite of ice cream somewhere in between. I ate like, one serving of ice cream last year. Shocking right!? Anyway, it’s usually a nonissue if I choose a Slim Jim (don’t judge me they are delicious) over a Snickers. EXCEPT ON A BIRTHDAY. Why is the ONLY ACCEPTABLE celebratory centerpiece dish thingy that the WHOLE EVENT centers around (gotta blow out those candles!) an effing cake??! You can stick a candle in anything! Like a cheeseburger or pile of nachos (more my speed). They are just as bad for you as cake and ice cream (I almost fell over when I found out how much cholesterol was in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s), and at least to ME more delicious.

So what gets to me is that when you are celebrating a birthday and you decline that slice of cake you look like a jerk. Like, “No thank you, I don’t want a slice. It really looks delicious though! Oh, and by the way I think this is the perfect opportunity to let you know that I’ve always hated you and I hope your birthday wish doesn’t come true. In fact I hope the opposite happens. What a weak party. I’m out.” It’s even worse when it’s YOUR birthday and you are not even eating YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE that everyone worked so hard to get/bake/prepare and it is soooooooooo delicious and WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, you ungrateful……. What a b**** right? So then you make yourself eat a slice because all of the chips are gone and you’re hungry and while it IS a darn good slice of cake it is still not a cheeseburger and then you feel bad for wanting something with cheese on it ON YOUR BIRTHDAY when all of your friends went out of their way to provide CAKE and ICE CREAM (yippie!) because they love you even though you are a horrible human being and they (quite conveniently) happen to LOOOVE cake and ice cream. I’m just sayin.

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Written by nicolacita

January 31, 2011 at 3:08 pm

7 Responses

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  1. yeah, ungreatful b**** sounds about right.

    Christie

    January 31, 2011 at 4:17 pm

  2. If you would like me to make you a meat pie for you birthday all you have to do is as.

    Peter Hamtramck

    January 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm

  3. HA HA HA @ christie! I KNO DAS RIGHT.

    stephanie k.

    January 31, 2011 at 6:26 pm

  4. MMMMM BIRTHDAY CHEESEBURGER SOUNDS BANGIN…make it a giant one too…i wanna a slice of yours nicole

    Ladyprowl

    January 31, 2011 at 7:24 pm

  5. She’s Team Pie. Team Frito Pie.

    Elizabeth

    February 1, 2011 at 3:45 pm

  6. GIRL! I’ll take savory (or an *extra helping of the nachos I just ate for dinner) over dessert, ANY DAY.

    I thought I was the only one.

    I do *like cake and ice cream, but a woman’s gotta have priorities in this chaotic world.

    Butter and Cheese > Sugar. BOOYAH!

    VERY GLOSSY MAGAZINE

    February 8, 2011 at 1:13 pm


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