Hater Rant

Tell me how you really feel.

Deer are Terrorists

leave a comment »

A couple of months ago my parents gave me their 2004 Subaru Outback. It’s a hell of a step up from my 1996 Camry. 6CD changer, heated leather seats, a sunroof AND a moonroof. I even have a tow hitch and a roof rack in case i decide to do something outdoorsy and rugged. It’s hard to explain the joy this car brought into my life.

A week later, i was driving out in the suburbs on my way to my parents house from my little cousin’s football game. This douchebag is tailgating me so i glance down to check if i’m doing the speed limit. When i look up, BOOM, this doe decides to commit suicide by running right in front of my car. She ricochets off my hood and wraps around a speed limit sign by the side of the road. At first i’m all “OMG, poor Bambi”. But then a few things happened.

At first i was all like ūüė• but then i was like >:-|

The damage was pretty minimal. A dented hood and a cracked grill. But still, I just got this car! The cost of the damage alone was enough to completely end my mourning for this creature.

But the real clincher is that i’m afraid to drive in the suburbs after dark. This fear interferes with how much and when i spend time with my family. My aunt, uncle, mom, dad, grandmother, great-grandmother, and three younger cousins all live within 3 miles of the scene of the accident. A couple of weeks ago i went to my parents house and was thinking i would meet my friend for a party 20 minutes away. I couldn’t go! On my way up there i saw this gigantic, like, king-of-the-forest buck standing by the side of the highway threatening to ruin someone else’s life. I was too freaked out to leave the house once i got there.

I’ve gone from sadness to anger to real fear (mixed with a lot of anger) concerning deer. All from a little fender bender that saw the deer way worse off than i ended up.

That being said, i am on a campaign to change the image of deer from cute, leaf-nibbling forest dwellers and show them for what they really are: Terrorists.

I present to you Exhibit 1:

You can skip the cuteness. The deer attack begins at 1:03. Turn the sound up for maximum effect.

Here’s Exhibit 2:

Deer will kick and headbutt your defenseless child. They will steal your grandma’s purse and knock her over! How can we tolerate this sort of¬†tyranny?

Everyone grab your rifle. These terrorists must be stopped.


P.S. I went back to the scene of the accident the morning after and took photos of the deer¬†carcase. I was going to post them here, but i heard they’re gross. You’re welcome.


UPDATE (25-July-11): http://tumblr.com/x2w3kc914a


Written by haterrant

January 4, 2011 at 11:23 am

Posted in General Fuckery

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: