Hater Rant

Tell me how you really feel.

Archive for December 2010

I’m Gonna Kick Your [Gl]asses

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Glasses used to mean something.

It used to be weird to wear glasses.

People wore glasses because they needed to see and weren’t so vain that you had to sport contacts. People wore glasses because their eyes were so strained from staring at a computer. People wore nerd glasses or horn rimmed glasses because they were alt, nerdy, dorky, strange, arty.

Now J.Crew models wear nerdy glasses.

So then how are we geek lovers supposed to find our nerdy mates when the tell-tale sign is now as common as messy, just-woke-up hair and fresh from the Salvation Army plaid shirts ? Is the only place where true nerds go Comic-Con?

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Written by tracyhater

December 30, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Posted in Fashion

Tagged with ,

Congratulations on your wedding, but maybe you should reconsider having your gift registry at walmart.com.

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I’ve never planned my wedding. I’ve never fantasized about a fabulous wedding gown, the location of my dream wedding, or who the groom will be.

However, I’ve been making imaginary registries since I’ve been 12.

I’ve dreamt of copper pots hanging from an antique pot rack, what color kitchen aid mixer i’d get for the kitchen (red or orange?, 5 or 6 qt?), and what type of clear lucite furniture to choose.

So when I see people registering at wal-mart or bed bath and beyond I cringe.

Yes, I’m sure wal-mart has great deals.

Yes, I know there are ubershiny cookware sets available at wal-mart that look like the ones available at bloomingdales.

But you’re an adult now. You scrounged up money to buy a ring. You went through the painstaking chore of labeling people as “friends” vs.  “acquaintances” to decide just who gets to receive an invite. You spent hours and thousands deciding on a cake, that everyone will be too drunk to remember.

So the question becomes, if you’re not going to use this ceremony as an opportunity to finally get some taste, when will you?

Not that shopping at wal-mart indicates bad taste, but it represents something worse: no taste. it’s the equivalent to a living room furnished solely by ikea, art from bed bath & beyond, or a closet full of Gap jeans and miscellaneous button down shirts.

Written by tracyhater

December 30, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Posted in Poor Taste

Tagged with ,

Late Hate: It is what it is

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It is what it is and it isn’t what it isn’t. But it might be what it could be if i it was what it was. So it’s not what it’s not and it wasn’t what it wasn’t. Therefore and hitherto it is what it is.

I can say words that don’t mean anything too.

-M

Written by haterrant

December 30, 2010 at 10:45 am

Posted in General Fuckery

Tagged with , ,

Late Hate: Destiny’s Child

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I could hate your stupid faces for a lot of reasons. But what gets this special mention so many years after the dissolution of your annoying group is this:

How could you make the song “Bills Bills Bills” and follow it so closely with “Independent Woman”?

Stupid AND hypocritical.

-M

Written by haterrant

December 29, 2010 at 12:36 pm

New Years Eve and other things you know aren’t going to end well

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New Years Eve, you get me every year.

Heres how you think it’s going to go: You get all dressed up, cooridinate wtih friends and go to some swanky party with an open bar or at least a champagne toast. You’ll dance the night away in your fancy dress and ring in the new year with real gusto. You’ll pile into a cab and maybe hang out together for a while longer, snacking and drinking and chatting and laughing till the sun comes up like an effing Bailey’s commercial. Cute.

Heres what actually happens: You get dressed up and realize that its minus a billion degrees outside with snow and ice on the ground and suddenly your mini dress and platform heels feel more like a death shroud than a cute little outfit. You grab your friends and go to the fancy party but, guess what, its the WRONG fancy party. Philly being the tiny city that it is, and with thousands of parties happening, you happened to choose one that has like 12 people in attendance. You already payed an exorbitant cover so you’re not leaving. And you missed the one hour open bar. Determined to salvage the night, you throw back too many shots of Jim Beam which leads to more problems with those platform heels. The rest of the night is a blur at best. You wake up broke and unhappy more like a PSA about alcoholism. Lame.

I hate New Years Eve because i always  go into it thinking it’s going to be this awesome night just off the merit that it’s New Years Eve. But that doesnt mean anything except that all sense of moderation is thrown to the wind in an effort to celebrate to the max and all i’m really guaranteed is my most wicked hangover of the year and regret. The same thing happens on Halloween, but in stupid costumes. The other thing that gets you is that you have to be having fun by midnight, so instead of showing up at a party at 11:30 like you normally would, you’re out and drinking by like 10:00 which leads to more hangover and more regret. I know this and yet i cant just stay home because what if it turns out to really be an awesome night? What will i tell my grandkids when they ask where i was on the epic New Years Eve of 2011? That i stayed home with my cat and watched back episodes of “Obsessed” on demand? A quandry indeed.

New Years Eve blows.

-M

Written by haterrant

December 28, 2010 at 11:25 am

Posted in Holidays

Tagged with ,

Dr. Nada Surf

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I was listening to the mediocre Pete Yorn play the mediocre free at noon concert on 88.5, when afterwards, a song came on that had the lyrics:

“But Always Love… Hate will get you every time
Always Love… Even when you want to fight”

Which got me thinking. . . why the hell are musicians giving us psychiatric help? The last time I checked, it wasn’t Dr. Nada Surf singing this song. Who are they to tell me what I should be feeling? Are they going to suggest what milligram dosage of Paxil I should be taking too?

I started googling other dogmatic song lyrics, and have found that it is not just forgotten alt bands of the 90s that are spouting out unwarranted advice.

Frou Frou says:

“music is worthless unless it can make a complete stranger, break down and cry”

I don’t think it counts if I’m crying because Natalie Portman is so goddamn annoying in Garden State, because that’s the only time i’ve cried listening to Frou Frou.

Hair style genius himself, Ludwig Van Beethoven, said:

“Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.”

Thanks for the philosophical advice about how philosophy is worse than music.

The Beatles had it right when they asked:

All the lonely people, where do they all come from? / All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

They asked a question, and didn’t even answer it. John was probably like “bloody hell, fuck if i know where all the lonely people come from. Cheerio.”

Written by tracyhater

December 23, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Happy Holidays. Give me your money.

with 4 comments

Clipboard people are terrorists. If i’ve told you once, i’ve told you a thousand times: NO! i do not have a moment for world hunger, saving whales, battered women, gay rights, or any other thing you are going to try to guilt me into giving you my credit card info for. And, i resent the implication. As if by not having the time or extra cash to offer you right this second, i must be some insensitive, heartless, selfish waste of natural resources that hates babies and people with AIDS and endangered baby animals. I’m looking at you: Amnesty International, ACLU, Greenpeace, and Save the Children. It’s the holidays and i understand what you’re trying to do, but i work here. I am on these streets every single day. It’s gotten out of hand to the point where i’m afraid to step foot outside my office because i know you’re just lurking there. Waiting to make me interact with a hyper, smug, cloying, smiling stranger and feel bad about not wanting to give my money away. I dont deserve that. What did i ever do to you to make you want to ruin my lunch break every single fucking day? To keep me from scheduling appointments or running errands? You all should take a page from the Salvation Army’s book and figure out something just a little less intrusive. Or, at the least, just leave me alone.

As usual, i have a solution.

The “Local Pass”. If you work or live in center city and are tired of being accosted by do-gooders, you get a special secret pin or something that, when the “chuggers” (a portmanteau of “charity” and “muggers” that i read here) see you coming, they just let you alone. Assault the shoppers and the tourists. I really don’t care. Besides, they probably have the time and the money that i dont.

Written by haterrant

December 21, 2010 at 3:31 pm

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