Hater Rant

Tell me how you really feel.

College Kids Ruin Everything

with 2 comments

College kids ruin everything. I can’t get too indignant because i used to be one, but its true. As soon as a newscaster utters the phrase “This new trend is sweeping college campuses” (which is a stupid phrase to begin with) you can be sure that some grandstanding politician is about to destroy something fun.

The whole 4Loko thing is a timely example. Kids in college get drunk and hyper, do stupid things and now suddenly nobody is allowed to enjoy their flavored, caffeinated malt alcohol. Granted, i AM an adult and i can hardly justify stooping so low as to purchase for myself a 4Loko or a Joose. But, well, i’ve been known to. And i have to stand up for myself here. If i’m feeling a little sluggish AND want to get plastered, clearly this is the product for me. But i’m a  grown up and i’m not going to chug 4 in a row just to see what happens. I’m not going to drive drunk, assault anyone or anything, or generally do anything that ends up harming myself or anybody else. Why should i be punished along with the college tards? Seriously. Everything they touch dies or turns to shit.

Seeing as i am not only an responsible, malt liquor-drinking adult but also a problem-solver, i’ve come up with a solution: Graduated Drinking Ages.

We’ll start you off slow. At 18 you will be allowed to drink wine with meals, and weak cheap beer on the weekends. Why not? At this age your tolerance is low and your bladder is large and you can just chug all the PBR or Shlitz or High Life you want for all i care. It’ll get you where you want to go. Also, you are allowed light beers of any sort.

At 21 you will be allowed vodka. And maybe better beers. That’s it.

Then, at 25, you can drink whatever you want. Now that you are a real adult and there’s more at stake. Now that you are an independent thinker and if you fuck up its on YOU. Now that you have only yourself to rely on and if you dont get up for work its your own ass on the line. NOW you can have your 4Loko and regret it in the morning like the rest of us. Happy adulthood asshole.


Written by haterrant

November 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged with , ,

2 Responses

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  1. this was really funny and so true. it used to be we looked to college age kids for the latest trends is sex, music, or uh..sex, instead of the latest screw up.


    November 24, 2010 at 3:10 am

    • That’s what makes college campuses great. They keep douchey college kids separated from normal society.


      December 22, 2010 at 2:23 pm

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