Archive for November 2010
College kids ruin everything. I can’t get too indignant because i used to be one, but its true. As soon as a newscaster utters the phrase “This new trend is sweeping college campuses” (which is a stupid phrase to begin with) you can be sure that some grandstanding politician is about to destroy something fun.
The whole 4Loko thing is a timely example. Kids in college get drunk and hyper, do stupid things and now suddenly nobody is allowed to enjoy their flavored, caffeinated malt alcohol. Granted, i AM an adult and i can hardly justify stooping so low as to purchase for myself a 4Loko or a Joose. But, well, i’ve been known to. And i have to stand up for myself here. If i’m feeling a little sluggish AND want to get plastered, clearly this is the product for me. But i’m a grown up and i’m not going to chug 4 in a row just to see what happens. I’m not going to drive drunk, assault anyone or anything, or generally do anything that ends up harming myself or anybody else. Why should i be punished along with the college tards? Seriously. Everything they touch dies or turns to shit.
Seeing as i am not only an responsible, malt liquor-drinking adult but also a problem-solver, i’ve come up with a solution: Graduated Drinking Ages.
We’ll start you off slow. At 18 you will be allowed to drink wine with meals, and weak cheap beer on the weekends. Why not? At this age your tolerance is low and your bladder is large and you can just chug all the PBR or Shlitz or High Life you want for all i care. It’ll get you where you want to go. Also, you are allowed light beers of any sort.
At 21 you will be allowed vodka. And maybe better beers. That’s it.
Then, at 25, you can drink whatever you want. Now that you are a real adult and there’s more at stake. Now that you are an independent thinker and if you fuck up its on YOU. Now that you have only yourself to rely on and if you dont get up for work its your own ass on the line. NOW you can have your 4Loko and regret it in the morning like the rest of us. Happy adulthood asshole.
Its pronounced bruschetta, BRU-SKE-TA. You work at a effing Italian restaurant. Try harder.
nicole: i do NOT think ryan reynolds is hot
he has a weird lookin face
he is NOT the sexiest man alive!
jon hamm is!
me: see. thats the sort of material you could contribute to the blog.
Okay. So you have a super smart phone with internets and cant shut up about your stupid apps. Thats your problem. Seriously. But it becomes my problem when i start getting text messages like “how day going” or ”where we.going name of it” or the classic (and genuinely entertaining) “Fucking rain is twilling me to go home and bespoke in the rain” it becomes my problem. I’ve used my boyfriend’s smart phone before. I know about the stupid touch screen, swipe input, random predictions, and how irritating it can be to go back and edit. Guess what, unless your phone is like genius level smart, you still need to proofread that shit. Its annoying. I use T9 on a phone with no keyboard thats dumb as dirt and i dont send you nonsensical, cryptic effing messages all the time. Punctuate! Use prepositions! Then whats even worse are all the follow-up texts i get decoding the crap i got a second before. Now you’re just wasting my time and battery life. For real. Be smarter than your phone. Get it together.