i dont get why people think its alright to whistle all the goddamn time. most of these people are poor whistlers and slightly tone deaf. i feel like its the equivalent to singing nonstop. which is annoying. which is why no one but crazy people walk around singing to themselves all day. heres a list of reasons why whistling is the worst:
- birds whistle and wake me up in the morning. excuse me asshole birds, i was sleeping. i set an alarm, but thanks for getting me that 3 hour head start.
- my aforementioned issue with the length of time a person might choose to whistle is always insanely long. no one whistles for 3-5 minutes. its an all day affair.
- i particularly hate when people whistle at night. am i the only person that finds it to be super creepy? i feel like im one step away from entering the “singin’ in the rain” scene in clockwork orange. the last thing i need when im walking home by myself late at night is some psycho who is cheerfully whistling to themselves… creepy weird psycho whistler.
- guys think this an appropriate way to get a woman’s attention. its not. please stop. its rude and doesn’t show me anything about you except that you can’t take the time to say “hello” to address me. i doubt anyone has made a mental list of attributes they want in their future mate with “killer whistling skills” on there, so how does this benefit you in any way? i guess it does help us ladies figure out that you’re a rude piece of shit from jump street. actually, keep doing that. it’s an effective time saver.
- once again, as stated before, very few people are good whistlers. in fact, most people are totally terrible at it, but that doesnt stop them from inundating my ears with their awful, tuneless high pitched awfulness. actually, this can be very easily broken down with the following:
people i want to hear whistle:
- bobby mcferrin (he’s right, i shouldn’t worry AND i should be happy. so much wisdom behind his whistle)
people i dont want to hear whistle:
- everyone else
im sure there are more reasons why i hate whistling, but the construction dude thats replacing my shower right now wont stop whistling and i cant think straight because im so enraged. i have to focus on not punching him in his pursed lips.
i noticed that lately there are a lot of guys, namely famous actors, out there really sending my gaydar for a loop. i thought i had a pretty good grasp on where a person ranked on the kinsey scale, but not with the influx of gay face.
gay face can best be described as a collection of features on a gentleman’s face that lead one to believe he likes other gentlemen. these features are generally more feminine than the average male, or perhaps just better groomed. after the decline of metrosexualism i was certain gay face would dissipate and men would make their rugged return to looking like, well, men. but looking at photos of our nation’s heart throbs has me suspecting that america’s teenage and 20-something girls are a bunch of beards in the making.
this isn’t about actors that are rumored to be gay. its about some of these dudes having the most apparent gay face on the planet and no one has bothered to say anything to them. i expect my good friends to tell me when i have something stuck in my teeth, a stray eyelash, or a healthy dose of gay face. “hey buddy, you have a boogie hanging out of your right nostril.” and the problem is solved! all of these things are fixable with some slight tweaking.
maybe a bit less rouge and foundation.
i know you get lots of make up caked on you to be whatever supernatural being has the girls all hot and bothered this week, but its not helping your gay face now.
or perhaps you could stop with the shirley temple poses. you’re a grown ass man. get your thumb out of your mouth and pose for your head shots like an adult.
a bit less gloss on those DSLs may help. i’m pretty sure this doesn’t really require any further explanation.
ultimately, the severe cases of gay face are making it confusing for all the single ladies. im not alone in this. heres a great article from scientific american to illustrate my point: http://tinyurl.com/queerface. so gentlemen, grow a beard and get some callouses while cutting down a tree. work hard and earn some wrinkles. all i want from my leading men is for them to man up.
There’s a big pink elephant cupcake in the room, and it’s not a pink elephant standing in the middle of a room. That would be ridiculous. It’s the repetitive quirkiness that movies are selling, whether it’s via love, career, self-worth, or mind-fucking. It’s cupcakes.
Why does the doughy-eyed emaciated heroine always have a dream of making cupcakes? Why is there always a scene of her in a vintage french-looking ruffled mix-match floral half-apron finding the answers in the dough? Why does a beautiful, delicate cupcake symbolize a turning point for so many leading ladies?
Kristen Wiig turns to cupcakes to find herself in Bridesmaids, and then obviously throws them up off camera. Keri Russell’s pies are the only thing she likes about herself in Waitress. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a free-spirted baker vixen hippie in Stranger than Fiction that only someone as insane as Will Ferrell could be attracted to. Juliet Binoche turns to chocolate in the aptly named Chocolat to seduce pirate Johnny Depp, since her being French wasn’t good enough. They did it with Pies on Pushing Daisies. Even good ole Mildred Pierce started with pies and ended with pies.
And it’s not just cupcakes.
Sarah Michelle woes a boring Aaron Eckhart magically in Simply Irresistible, which used the powers of black magic to get green lit. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a bitchy but hot chef in No Reservations. Remember in Fried Green Tomatoes, when Mary Louise Parker was not on a show that is so poorly written it makes smoking weed look bad? And it doesn’t stop.
Now, don’t misunderstand. I love cupcakes. Owning a bakery would be awesome. I’m just sick of the heroines having the same quirky, arty dream. How about owning their own knitting studio? Or hand-made paper business? Or vintage store? Or locally-made craft shop? There are more jobs out there outside of a bakery where indie brides-in-waiting can look disheveled and cute in at the same time.
How about stamping grapes at a winery? Adorable!
How about owning her own screen-printing business? She’ll look so cute with paint dripping down her face!
How about walking puppies? Oh shit, there are already too many movies about that, which brings me to my next Hater Rant: We all know you added a puppy into your movie as a cheap gimmick, and we’re not buying it.
Let’s start here
food (noun): Material, usually of plant or animal origin, that contains or consists of essential body nutrients, such as carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, or minerals, and is ingested and assimilated by an organism to produce energy, stimulate growth, and maintain life.
I’m tired of food being demonized. We, as intelligent, media-savvy individuals, spend a lot of time wading through the information surplus and gleaning for ourselves what is relevant and trustworthy and what is not. But when it comes to food a lot of us have a huge blind spot. We mindlessly believe whatever the media tells us. We’ll follow the rules set forth by anyone granola-crunchy enough to seem to know what they’re talking about. We’ll allow fad diets to infiltrate our psyche. If you haven’t heard it before, let me be the first to tell you: food isn’t the enemy.
Today i was reading a food blog that focuses on healthy cooking. This particular writer’s idea of healthy is low-fat, low-calorie and subbing out “bad” ingredients for “good” ones (let me be clear, i do not intrinsically disagree with this angle. i mean, i do subscribe to the blog). This particular post was for blondies made from scratch. What got to me, though, was that at the end of the post there was a disclaimer saying that “there is no nutrition” in the recipe. What? It’s food isn’t it?! The author seems to explain this strange statement away by stating that she used white flour and white sugar.
The human body is complex and resilient. We live in a society of vast abundance and variety of food. Our bodies need very little to function properly. As long as you keep putting in fuel when you feel hungry, your body will keep chugging along. This is scientific fact. But our heads are messed up. The food pyramid has made us think that each thing we eat is made up of one nutrient. Meat only has protein. Pasta and bread only have carbs. Vegetables are 100% nutrition. etc. Atkins and food-pyramid-backlash have led to the demonization of carb-heavy foods as fattening and devoid of nutrition. None of these things are true.
Here are some things that are true:
- 100g of lean beef has more than 4X as much iron as 100g of cooked kale.
- leaving the skin on a potato does not significantly boost it’s nutritinal value. However, potatoes are a complete source of nutrition. Containing good amounts of several vitamins (especially C), minerals (especially iron and potassium), dietary fiber, and are a source of complete, high quality protein.
- celery, while low in calories, packs a high nutritional punch on a per-calorie basis. Celery is a good source of Riboflavin, Vitamin B6, Pantothenic Acid, Calcium, Magnesium and Phosphorus, and a very good source of Dietary Fiber, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Folate, Potassium and Manganese.
- 11% of the calories in bleached white flour come from complete, high quality protein. White flour is also a good source of thiamine, folate, and iron.
i’m not saying you need to abandon your quinoa and wheatgrass. but why be a food extremist? nutritionally inferior does not equal nutritionally void.
don’t hate, fix a plate.
I wish I could say that I am amazed at the vitriol that the Royal Wedding this morning has inspired in my peers on the Facebooks. I cannot feign surprise at the hate from men, who never claimed to be interested in weddings or royals. Weddings are thought of in our culture as intensely feminine occasions, by women and for women. While planning our own wedding, Jared was told by a bartender (male) to not even attempt to provide input about the occasion, because women crave control over the entire affair. Completely untrue, but that is another rant. The point is that men demonstrate their lack of interest in many events and interests simply because they are thought of as feminine. I am not denying that men do not have their own individual opinions, only that as a gender they are expected to do masculinity in their public lives. Today this was exhibited by expressing public disinterest in the Royal Wedding. My surprise comes from the many women who felt it necessary to publicly voice their disdain for the news coverage of the royal wedding.
It seems like they noted other people, women, to be exact, enjoying the spectacle and the sheer emotional thrill of seeing two people who seem very much in love be joined in marriage in a very public and lavish ceremony. They then were compelled to make it clear to anyone listening that they were absolutely NOT interested. This is amusing to me because if I had to make a point of mentioning whenever I am not interested in something I would never have time to talk about things that actually interest me. I heard the complaint that the news was jammed up with coverage. What is usually on the news though? I thought the news sucked already, I didn’t know that coverage of a joyous occasion that made millions feel like there was hope in the world would really be less desirable than stories about armed robberies or tornado victims. That leads me to my second point, there has been no time in history thus far when it was easier to seek out the exact news desired. It is called “Google,” just type in anything other than “royal wedding.”
Why the lady-hatred for this wedding? I understand being embarrassed by people of the same gender when they act stupid. I am the same gender as the Real Housewives of whatever. Unlike the real housewives, though, the royal wedding was inspiring to some because witnessing two people who love each other make a commitment is a reminder that love and commitment exist. Seeing two people genuinely smile through their first public kiss as man and wife is heart-melting. Why is it so popular to exhibit distaste in the emotional? All I can do is try to draw a parallel with the behavior of males, which leads me to question if these hater-ladies are just trying to horn in on the privilege provided by the rejection of the feminine. All that is female is consistently devalued and belittled in our culture. Instead of hopping on the bandwagon with the menfolk to stand up against the feminine, why not stand up against the unfair system that paints anything that women like as less meaningful or fun than man-things? If you truly dislike exhibiting femininity, don’t be such a hypocrite. Cut your hair and give away your makeup. I am not kidding, get some dickies. I love that look. There is a whole sector of feminism that rejects femininity, which is fine. Do it. Don’t limit yourself to simply raining on my happy wedding parade.
The powers-that-be are discussing a lockout of football right now. Unlike the royal wedding, football happens ALL THE TIME. I do not feel the need to malign a sport that brings happiness and joy to millions, even though a lockout would cause me to not have to hear people talk for months about something that is completely uninteresting to me. The difference also is that in football half the fans are disappointed after every game, for months, every year. At the royal wedding, everyone won.
i love the idea of hosting get togethers. i buy a bit of booze, a few snacks and my friends and i are ready to have a lovely, inexpensive evening in… or so it seems.
every time i manage to forget the amount of stress ive taken on in the past when i have people over. the first thing that normally gets me annoyed is the prep work involved for these little snackems im trying to make. first theres the two trips to the grocery store. i always forget something the first time i go to the store. and its always something crucial, like charcoal in order to cook all of the items you have just purchased. once youre home the prep work begins. everything involves an awful lot of chopping and none of it lasts very long. last time i had a small get together i made a mango avocado salsa and some shrimp and veggie skewers. it only took about 40 minutes between chopping, peeling, skewering, etc, but was all finished in about 5 minutes therefore making me feel like i had done all this work and left my guests unsatisfied regardless of my attempt to make something nice.
i then become more aggravated when its time to start up the grill. im a pretty good cook, but not when im working with an open unruly flame that has a mind of its own. you wanted your burger medium rare? well too bad, the weber decided that you wanted it well done and thats that. if you give up your grilling rights then you run the risk of someone overcooking everything (ie burnt to a charbroiled crisp) as opposed to the one or two things you accidentally fuck up.
now everyone has eaten, they are moderately full of food and much too full of beer. the sun has set, you have been hosting for about 8 hours now and have work the next day. no one appears to be picking up your oh so subtle hints such as yawning, shutting your eyes for long intervals, or announcing “oh man, im so tired. i cant wait to go to bed”. so this is where i go from just annoyed to completely bitchy. i want to sleep and all of these jerkfaces are trying to find one more pbr in the cooler. its empty. because very few of you contributed to the fun fund. and now we’ve come to the reason im most agitated by having people at my home.
i cant actually afford to feed and intoxicate the amount of people that will inevitably show up at my house throughout the course of the day and night. the reason i say the backyard hang out i am hosting is a BYO-everything situation is because i cant afford your ass. so either i feel cheap for not supplying enough shit, stressed out from preparing what i do supply or im the dick that has a backyard in the city and doesnt let anyone hang out in it. luckily for me, this lease is almost up. my worries of feeling like a terrible stressed out host are almost through. so get it in while you still can kids, because backyard access and my annoyance are almost over.
I don’t hate quizzo. I hate loosing at quizzo. When it comes to this particular bar activity, the fun-ness or lack thereof relies entirely on the outcome.
When you play a game of quizzo and win you’re like: OMG we’re so smart! YAY gift certificate! We should buy shots with it so we can be even smarterer.
But when you loose you’re all like: eff this. if i wanted to be asked annoying questions all night i would have called my mom. I just wanted to drink and relax and now i feel stupid. I should have a shot to cheer me up.
I guess what i’m saying is that Wednesday night quizzo somehow always leads to Thursday morning hangovers…