(dont) whistle while you work

seriously. stop it.

i dont get why people think its alright to whistle all the goddamn time.  most of these people are poor whistlers and slightly tone deaf.  i feel like its the equivalent to singing nonstop.  which is annoying.  which is why no one but crazy people walk around singing to themselves all day.  heres a list of reasons why whistling is the worst:

1. birds whistle and wake me up in the morning.  excuse me asshole birds, i was sleeping.  i set an alarm, but thanks for getting me that 3 hour head start.
2. my aforementioned issue with the length of time a person might choose to whistle is always insanely long.  no one whistles for 3-5 minutes.  its an all day affair.
3. i particularly hate when people whistle at night. am i the only person that finds it to be super creepy?  i feel like im one step away from entering the “singin’ in the rain” scene in clockwork orange.  the last thing i need when im walking home by myself late at night is some psycho who is cheerfully whistling to themselves… creepy weird psycho whistler.
4. guys think this an appropriate way to get a woman’s attention. its not.  please stop. its rude and doesn’t show me anything about you except that you can’t take the time to say “hello” to address me.  i doubt anyone has made a mental list of attributes they want in their future mate with “killer whistling skills” on there, so how does this benefit you in any way? i guess it does help us ladies figure out that you’re a rude piece of shit from jump street.  actually, keep doing that.  it’s an effective time saver.
5. once again, as stated before, very few people are good whistlers.  in fact, most people are totally terrible at it, but that doesnt stop them from inundating my ears with their awful, tuneless high pitched awfulness. actually, this can be very easily broken down with the following:

people i want to hear whistle:

• bobby mcferrin (he’s right, i shouldn’t worry AND i should be happy.  so much wisdom behind his whistle)

people i dont want to hear whistle:

• everyone else

im sure there are more reasons why i hate whistling, but the construction dude thats replacing my shower right now wont stop whistling and i cant think straight because im so enraged.  i have to focus on not punching him in his pursed lips.

The Big Pink Cupcake in the Room

There’s a big pink elephant cupcake in the room, and it’s not a pink elephant standing in the middle of a room. That would be ridiculous. It’s the repetitive quirkiness that movies are selling, whether it’s via love, career, self-worth, or mind-fucking. It’s cupcakes.

Why does the doughy-eyed emaciated heroine always have a dream of making cupcakes? Why is there always a scene of her in a vintage french-looking ruffled mix-match floral half-apron finding the answers in the dough? Why does a beautiful, delicate cupcake symbolize a turning point for so many leading ladies?

Kristen Wiig turns to cupcakes to find herself in Bridesmaids, and then obviously throws them up off camera. Keri Russell’s pies are the only thing she likes about herself in Waitress. Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a free-spirted baker vixen hippie in Stranger than Fiction that only someone as insane as Will Ferrell could be attracted to. Juliet Binoche turns to chocolate in the aptly named Chocolat to seduce pirate Johnny Depp, since her being French wasn’t good enough. They did it with Pies on Pushing Daisies. Even good ole Mildred Pierce started with pies and ended with pies.

And it’s not just cupcakes.

Sarah Michelle woes a boring Aaron Eckhart magically in Simply Irresistible, which used the powers of black magic to get green lit. Catherine Zeta-Jones is a bitchy but hot chef in No Reservations. Remember in Fried Green Tomatoes, when Mary Louise Parker was not on a show that is so poorly written it makes smoking weed look bad? And it doesn’t stop.

Now, don’t misunderstand. I love cupcakes. Owning a bakery would be awesome. I’m just sick of the heroines having the same quirky, arty dream. How about owning their own knitting studio? Or hand-made paper business? Or vintage store? Or locally-made craft shop? There are more jobs out there outside of a bakery where indie brides-in-waiting can look disheveled and cute in at the same time.

How about stamping grapes at a winery? Adorable!

How about owning her own screen-printing business? She’ll look so cute with paint dripping down her face!

How about walking puppies? Oh shit, there are already too many movies about that, which brings me to my next Hater Rant: We all know you added a puppy into your movie as a cheap gimmick, and we’re not buying it.

The empty threat of empty calories.

Let’s start here
food (noun): Material, usually of plant or animal origin, that contains or consists of essential body nutrients, such as carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, or minerals, and is ingested and assimilated by an organism to produce energy, stimulate growth, and maintain life.

I’m tired of food being demonized. We, as intelligent, media-savvy individuals, spend a lot of time wading through the information surplus and gleaning for ourselves what is relevant and trustworthy and what is not. But when it comes to food a lot of us have a huge blind spot. We mindlessly believe whatever the media tells us. We’ll follow the rules set forth by anyone granola-crunchy enough to seem to know what they’re talking about. We’ll allow fad diets to infiltrate our psyche. If you haven’t heard it before, let me be the first to tell you: food isn’t the enemy.

Today i was reading a food blog that focuses on healthy cooking. This particular writer’s idea of healthy is low-fat, low-calorie and subbing out “bad” ingredients for “good” ones (let me be clear, i do not intrinsically disagree with this angle. i mean, i do subscribe to the blog). This particular post was for blondies made from scratch. What got to me, though, was that at the end of the post there was a disclaimer saying that “there is no nutrition” in the recipe. What? It’s food isn’t it?! The author seems to explain this strange statement away by stating that she used white flour and white sugar.

The human body is complex and resilient.  We live in a society of vast abundance and variety of food. Our bodies need very little to function properly.  As long as you keep putting in fuel when you feel hungry, your body will keep chugging along. This is scientific fact. But our heads are messed up. The food pyramid has made us think that each thing we eat is made up of one nutrient. Meat only has protein. Pasta and bread only have carbs. Vegetables are 100% nutrition. etc. Atkins and food-pyramid-backlash have led to the demonization of carb-heavy foods as fattening and devoid of nutrition. None of these things are true.

Here are some things that are true:

• 100g of lean beef has more than 4X as much iron as 100g of cooked kale.
• leaving the skin on a potato does not significantly boost it’s nutritinal value. However, potatoes are a complete source of nutrition. Containing good amounts of several vitamins (especially C), minerals (especially iron and potassium), dietary fiber, and are a source of complete, high quality protein.
• celery, while low in calories, packs a high nutritional punch on a per-calorie basis.  Celery is a good source of Riboflavin, Vitamin B6, Pantothenic Acid, Calcium, Magnesium and Phosphorus, and a very good source of Dietary Fiber, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Folate, Potassium and Manganese.
• 11% of the calories in bleached white flour come from complete, high quality protein. White flour is also a good source of thiamine, folate, and iron.

i’m not saying you need to abandon your quinoa and wheatgrass. but why be a food extremist? nutritionally inferior does not equal nutritionally void.

don’t hate, fix a plate.

Royal Wedding Hate Hate

I wish I could say that I am amazed at the vitriol that the Royal Wedding this morning has inspired in my peers on the Facebooks.  I cannot feign surprise at the hate from men, who never claimed to be interested in weddings or royals.  Weddings are thought of in our culture as intensely feminine occasions, by women and for women.  While planning our own wedding, Jared was told by a bartender (male) to not even attempt to provide input about the occasion, because women crave control over the entire affair.  Completely untrue, but that is another rant.  The point is that men demonstrate their lack of interest in many events and interests simply because they are thought of as feminine.  I am not denying that men do not have their own individual opinions, only that as a gender they are expected to do masculinity in their public lives.  Today this was exhibited by expressing public disinterest in the Royal Wedding.  My surprise comes from the many women who felt it necessary to publicly voice their disdain for the news coverage of the royal wedding.

It seems like they noted other people, women, to be exact, enjoying the spectacle and the sheer emotional thrill of seeing two people who seem very much in love be joined in marriage in a very public and lavish ceremony.  They then were compelled to make it clear to anyone listening that they were absolutely NOT interested.  This is amusing to me because if I had to make a point of mentioning whenever I am not interested in something I would never have time to talk about things that actually interest me.  I heard the complaint that the news was jammed up with coverage.  What is usually on the news though?  I thought the news sucked already, I didn’t know that coverage of a joyous occasion that made millions feel like there was hope in the world would really be less desirable than stories about armed robberies or tornado victims.  That leads me to my second point, there has been no time in history thus far when it was easier to seek out the exact news desired.  It is called “Google,”  just type in anything other than “royal wedding.”

Why the lady-hatred for this wedding?  I understand being embarrassed by people of the same gender when they act stupid. I am the same gender as the Real Housewives of whatever.  Unlike the real housewives, though, the royal wedding was inspiring to some because witnessing two people who love each other make a commitment is a reminder that love and commitment exist. Seeing two people genuinely smile through their first public kiss as man and wife is heart-melting.  Why is it so popular to exhibit distaste in the emotional?  All I can do is try to draw a parallel with the behavior of males, which leads me to question if these hater-ladies are just trying to horn in on the privilege provided by the rejection of the feminine.  All that is female is consistently devalued and belittled in our culture.  Instead of hopping on the bandwagon with the menfolk to stand up against the feminine, why not stand up against the unfair system that paints anything that women like as less meaningful or fun than man-things?  If you truly dislike exhibiting femininity, don’t be such a hypocrite.  Cut your hair and give away your makeup.  I am not kidding, get some dickies.  I love that look.  There is a whole sector of feminism that rejects femininity, which is fine.  Do it.  Don’t limit yourself to simply raining on my happy wedding parade.

The powers-that-be are discussing a lockout of football right now.  Unlike the royal wedding, football happens ALL THE TIME. I do not feel the need to malign a sport that brings happiness and joy to millions, even though a lockout would cause me to not have to hear people talk for months about something that is completely uninteresting to me.  The difference also is that  in football half the fans are disappointed after every game, for months, every year.  At the royal wedding, everyone won.

thanks for coming! now get the fuck out.

i love the idea of hosting get togethers.  i buy a bit of booze, a few snacks and my friends and i are ready to have a lovely, inexpensive evening in…  or so it seems.

every time i manage to forget the amount of stress ive taken on in the past when i have people over.  the first thing that normally gets me annoyed is the prep work involved for these little snackems im trying to make. first theres the two trips to the grocery store.  i always forget something the first time i go to the store.  and its always something crucial, like charcoal in order to cook all of the items you have just purchased. once youre home the prep work begins. everything involves an awful lot of chopping and none of it lasts very long.  last time i had a small get together i made a mango avocado salsa and some shrimp and veggie skewers.  it only took about 40 minutes between chopping, peeling, skewering, etc, but was all finished in about 5 minutes therefore making me feel like i had done all this work and left my guests unsatisfied regardless of my attempt to make something nice.

i then become more aggravated when its time to start up the grill.  im a pretty good cook, but not when im working with an open unruly flame that has a mind of its own. you wanted your burger medium rare?  well too bad, the weber decided that you wanted it well done and thats that. if you give up your grilling rights then you run the risk of someone overcooking everything (ie burnt to a charbroiled crisp) as opposed to the one or two things you accidentally fuck up.

now everyone has eaten, they are moderately full of food and much too full of beer.  the sun has set, you have been hosting for about 8 hours now and have work the next day. no one appears to be picking up your oh so subtle hints such as yawning, shutting your eyes for long intervals, or announcing “oh man, im so tired.  i cant wait to go to bed”.  so this is where i go from just annoyed to completely bitchy.  i want to sleep and all of these jerkfaces are trying to find one more pbr in the cooler.  its empty.  because very few of you contributed to the fun fund. and now we’ve come to the reason im most agitated by having people at my home.

i cant actually afford to feed and intoxicate the amount of people that will inevitably show up at my house throughout the course of the day and night.   the reason i say the backyard hang out  i am hosting is a BYO-everything situation is because i cant afford your ass. so either i feel cheap for not supplying enough shit, stressed out from preparing what i do supply or im the dick that has a backyard in the city and doesnt let anyone hang out in it.  luckily for me, this lease is almost up.  my worries of feeling like a terrible stressed out host are almost through.  so get it in while you still can kids, because backyard access and my annoyance are almost over.

Getting Testy

I don’t hate quizzo. I hate loosing at quizzo. When it comes to this particular bar activity, the fun-ness or lack thereof relies entirely on the outcome.

When you play a game of quizzo and win you’re like: OMG we’re so smart! YAY gift certificate! We should buy shots with it so we can be even smarterer.

But when you loose you’re all like: eff this. if i wanted to be asked annoying questions all night i would have called my mom. I just wanted to drink and relax and now i feel stupid. I should have a shot to cheer me up.

I guess what i’m saying is that Wednesday night quizzo somehow always leads to Thursday morning hangovers…

I Hate Springtime

I hate the Spring. I also hate how people in the northeast have crazy seasonal amnesia but thats a post for another day.

This is how spring usually goes: We get a couple of unseasonably warm days towards the end of winter and people think winter is over. This usually happens towards the end of February or early March. Spring doesn’t even officially start till late March so this is just stupid to begin with. Then comes the rain. Weeks and weeks of rain. And people are like “when is spring gonna get here?” Newsflash! This is spring. Its crappy every year. Its cold and cloudy and drizzly and sometimes it snows. Sure, in some places spring is delightful. The weather is temperate and breezy, the sun shines and the world bursts into bloom and the beauty of the bounty of nature brings a tear to your dumb, sentimental eyes. But if you’ve been in this region for more than a year, you should know better.

So eff the spring. I hate rain because it makes people use umbrellas. I hate cloudy days because they make me drowsy and moody and give me headaches. But most of all i hate listening to you complain about the weather as if you are so surprised that it’s crappy.

What Time is It?

What Time Is It? 4:30. It’s not late, naw, naw, it’s just early.

Clocks without numbers are just as stupid as the entire career of The Spin Doctors.

Hey ma'am, what's the time? I dunno, but whatever it was, I probably did it.

Hey dude, do you know what time it is? Nah, but I gotta go cause Storm's picking me up in her jet and we're gonna go kill Magneto

Hey lady, do you have the time? Leave me alone, I'm watching a Brady Bunch marathon on Nick at Nite

Hey elephant man, what time is it? I dunno, but can you kill that fly on my back? I can't reach it.

sriracha. i hate it.

the most overrated condiment of all time has to be sriracha.  i’m pretty sure it didn’t get the nickname “cock sauce” because of the rooster on the bottle, but because it tastes like dick.

as someone that loves spicy foods and a good hot sauce in general i’m fed up with the obsessive overuse of sriracha.  it is not the answer to all your spice needs people!

why is this automatically brought to you at restaurants when you ask for hot sauce? i want some cholula with my breakfast potatoes!  texas petes to kick up my wings!  crystals in my bloody mary!  melinda’s when i want my whole face to be burning in delicious delight! some chili oil to make my fried rice sing?  well yes, i would love some! hell, ill take some tapatio on everything!  there is a whole world of hot sauce out there that people’s taste buds are missing out on because of this infatuation with sriracha. where did this obsession start and how the hell do i get rid of it in order to enjoy my dining experiences?

now i know what your saying.  ”whats the big deal?  its in a separate container.  no one is requiring you to use it!”  the big deal is that its everywhere.  i mean, there are cookbooks and blogs that help people put sriracha in the many foods i would normally love. and honestly, all of these recipes i’ve found look great… if they would just drop the sriracha and use a proper hot sauce.

now this devil sauce is making its way out of the bottle and onto my unwilling plate. wings have been ruined time and time again with attempts to make them fancy with a sriracha sauce. just because you tossed it into your hellman’s doesn’t mean you made a sriracha aioli. if i see one more pizza with sriracha as the main sauce component i’m going to scream!  you can’t even taste all the other delicious ingredients when this spicy, peppery garbage comes into play.  additionally, when did restaurants decide everyone loves sriracha and start adding it to their ketchup?  its not homemade so dont act offended when i ask for some normal ketchup. you didn’t  slave away in a hot kitchen over it.  blending two red sauces together does not a gourmet experience make.  if i wanted sriracha ketchup i could use my culinary prowess to mix two things together too.

i suppose i really hate sriracha mostly because of the LEVEL of infatuation with it.  if there was a yelp thread, cookbook, blogs, cartoon on the oatmeal or art shows devoted to talking about any other hot sauce my hatred would dissipate.  until then, i’ll fight the good fight for all the delicious hot sauces in the world.

a study in semantics: hipster

hipster is a term that has been completely bastardized in modern culture. the origins of the word come from the 1940s/1950s for upper middle class white folks following the cutting edge black jazz musicians of the day.  the term gained popularity again in the 2000s to define people who were involved in alternative culture.

the reason i started doing some hipster research is because i looked up the yelp reviews for the bar and restaurant i work at.  the term hipster came up in at least 95% of the reviews and was intended to be a negative reflection of the establishment.  of the 15+ people i work with i would say only two (maybe) have the “hipster” look.  our clientele includes families, tourists, historic reenactors, science and business professionals during the week, and straight bridge and tunnel on weekend evenings. soooo, where exactly is my place of business getting this title from? i got really agitated reading these reviews because hipster has now come to mean something beyond the word’s original meaning. basically the term has come to define everything and everyone that makes people feel less cool than they hoped they were.

lets be honest.  your feelings about your level of coolness is on YOU. no one is that fucking hip to any subculture or scene and if you feel really bad about not being on the up and up thats not my problem.  the only person that is truly a hipster by the 2000s standard is some kid living in rural georgia creating music on a homemade electronic auto-tuning banjo in his grandaddy’s chicken coop with 3 of his closest friends who make t shirts out of egg yolks and poop found in said coop that they sell at a roadside stand. everything has been done to death. i really cant say it better than fred armisen in this clip from portlandia

its really not that hard to look like a hipster.  in fact, anyone can do it.  i actually suggest you do it instead of wasting time on yelp using “hipster” like a dirty word. and it would be a huge favor to all of us that need to look at you. they’re called uggs for a reason.  THEY’RE UGLY!  so below please find some easy tips to start your cool new path to hipsterdom.  even the biggest idiot can follow these easy steps to stop feeling bad about themselves and hating on everything that makes them feel like a huge dork.

• if you hit up your local thrift store or an urban outfitters sale then you too can look like a hipster. its not that hard to get some skinny jeans and a leather jacket.
• skip the flannel shirt. they dont look flattering on anyone besides a lumberjack. also, you should know that the tools on jersey shore wear plaid shirts with their bling and air force 1s.
• pbr isnt cool.  it IS less disgusting than schlitz, bud and coors. and its cheap.  if its hip to drink something inexpensive since you’re broke and would rather your beer taste like water over piss, then yeah, pbr is totally fucking cool.  if you’re broke just find the least expensive, least offensive beer and drink it and stop being concerned about what can it comes in.
• that really sweet star (yes, im guilty)/sparrow/nostalgic childhood book character/bicycle/mustache on your finger/knuckles/boom box or other sound producing device tattoo is tomorrow’s tribal.  express yourself on a piece of canvas with some oil paints.
• get some better taste in music.  this is easy, i promise.  if arcade fire is in the same category as katy perry at the grammys then anyone with interwebs and ears can easily access interesting music.

so kids, this was your easy guide to feel like a real life hipster. now you can stop using hipster like a 4 letter word.  or you could just go find a smoky jazz joint and really stick it to your 1950s upper middle class upbringing by being a hepcat.